Category Archives: My Story

My Story – Marianne Bernadette Pillai

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Marianne Bernadette Pillai’s Testimony

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Experiences: Formerly Identified as Transgender, Disciple of Jesus, Healing through Jesus

His Cross Changed My Transgendered Life

Now let me tell you of a wonderful thing or a miracle that happened to my life that changed my whole self back to my original gender a FEMALE.

I was born as a female. I am 33. My name is Marianne Bernadette Pillai from Malaysia. God made me a female as He said in Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in His own image, in the image of God created he Him; male and female created He them” and in Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the belly I knew you and before you came forth out of the womb I sanctified you.”

But I didn’t know all this at first because I didn’t know the truth about His word. All along I thought God was wrong or He made a mistake in creating me as a female. I hated myself because I thought girls can’t be like boys. They can’t live freely like boys. And I thought my parents didn’t love me and they wanted a boy in their life. I started dressing up like a boy at the age of 11 (just to please my parents). Off and on in my life of 20 years I was confused about myself. Whether I was a male or a female. I kept changing my outfit. For sometime I was a boy & for sometime I was a girl.

Then when I was working in Genting Highlands in 2006 when I was 21, I finally decided to be a boy. Yes. A major change in my life. I started dressing up as a male, putting on male clothes, cut my hair really short & I walked like a male. And I lived like a male. So I thought life would be easy being a boy. I was wrong. There were people who were disgusted with my appearance once they got to know my birth name (I was known as Andy). My family started to distance themselves away from me. Girls were after me though but it was for a little while. I started to get angry with God. I started questioning Him “Why did you created me? Why are you putting my life like this? Why was I born?”. I started blaming God for everything I did. But I didn’t know what was in store for me as He said in John 3:16 “For God so loved the world so much that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believe in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

I started drinking alcohol, I started taking drugs, I became violent, I was involved in gangsterism and I tried committing suicide many times. I was so hateful of myself. I started believing God didn’t exist at all. I was so depressed of “love failure” with a girl.

Then on the 18th May 2013 I decided to change my gender into a “man”. I did lots of research on this steroid called Testosterone. Just to please myself. It’s a substance of drug illegal in Malaysia used by many transgenders who wants to change their gender. I was so happy about it & got it illegally from a supplier. It was cheap for RM20. Every 3 weeks I had to endure the pain of suffering just to change my gender. It took me 1 year to see the difference.

And so during my time as a transgender (female to male), I was involved in many activities regarding the LGBT community. I thought maybe God understood my situation and I took it so lightly… I was helping the community without realizing the truth that God was actually showing me in Leviticus 20:13 “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.” I didn’t know that. And still I was taking it lightly. So my life was just enjoyment. Let me make it short.

I was living in Penang, Malaysia when all this events of my life as a transgender took place. I was enjoying life as a male. Going out with friends, clubbing, got myself drunk and was on drugs most of the time. The drug that got me addicted was methamphetamine or “ice”. Off and on I’ll go back to my hometown in Taiping to visit my family thinking it was okay that they would accept me as a male. Without knowing, both of my aunties (mum’s side) talked to me about God and His Son Jesus Christ and how He died for me to save my soul and sins. Many times I tried running away from them and God, thinking God understood my situation. But they never gave up bringing me back. I followed them to church and frequently attended services. They were showing God’s love to me but I was still not happy about what’s going on.

Then I went back to Penang and didn’t feel like going back anymore because I thought they couldn’t accept my transition. So I carried on with my lifestyle and I was doing things against God’s will. This time I was hungry and thirsty for God. I wanted Him so badly. I wanted love but I didn’t know how to reach Him. I was frustrated and the only solution was dying. I was so addicted with this drug called methamphetamine. But I was still thinking “I’m a Christian la, I already received Christ and salvation. He will understand. I go to church and I read His word so He will understand.” I was wrong. I took God lightly.

Then one night as I was asleep, I had this weird dream and it was all words from the Bible. There was this particular scripture that came to me Revelation 2:5 “Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen and REPENT and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou REPENT.” I awoke at 5 in the morning, got up, took my bible read the words and I felt my heart just pierced in with guilt. I didn’t take the words seriously because I didn’t want to know. I put aside the bible and went back to sleep. These words was still pondering my mind until the day I went back to Taiping and attended Sunday service at the church I was going. It was in 2015 that the Holy Spirit convicted me again through our pastor and confirmed me with Revelation 2:5.

I was shocked and turned to my aunties and told them “I dream of this scripture pastor is saying. How come?” I was in total shock. Because the night before my church pastor confirmed this scripture, I was really guilty about it and told my aunty. All she said was confess all your sins to God because it says in 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I didn’t know how to do it. So she said “When we were from the other church, we will confess our sins to the priest but not God. What can they do? Can they forgive our sins? No right? Only God can. So go and do it. Confess your sins only to God. Just between you and God.” So I did that before I went to bed. I confessed all my sins without leaving one. Then, I had this dream the night before that I was vomiting out slimy mucus from my mouth. And both my aunties were praying over me. I directed one of them to go straight to my wallet and take out my late Grandmother’s photo.

I woke up and called out JESUS! And told my aunty the dream. She did exactly what I saw in my dream. The minute she rebuked the photo and tore it off, I felt such a relief. My body was so light! So the meaning of my dream was, God and the Holy Spirit was working in me cleansing out all my sins because I obeyed His Word. The slimy mucus was my sins. And the photo was instead of speaking to God and loving Him more, I did the opposite of speaking to my late grandmother and loving her. My body was so light and I really felt like she is really dead. Then later the same night I was attacked by the enemy because I was against him and going to God. I awoke again and called my other aunty to come pray for me. I was filled with the Holy Spirit praying continuously until 7 in the morning, got ready to church and that’s when my church pastor revealed the scripture to me. I tell you God is great. He does wonders in my life. I encountered with Him many times through scriptures, dreams and miracles (heard His voice and felt His presence)

Then when all this occurred, I was still appearing as a male. Then one day on March 2015, our church pastor was talking about “Breaking the family curses.” He was teaching us if we want to be free from the curses, we need to repent. As we knelt down on that Wednesday night and confessed our sins again (I didn’t complete it properly) and repent, I woke up from where I was kneeling, told my aunty “Aunty, I’m going to shave my facial hair tomorrow.” She didn’t believe. I did it the next day. Believe it or not? I walked out of the bathroom clean shave! She on the other hand was praising and thanking God for the miraculous change in me. Then I decided no more being a male and stopped injecting Testosterone (I also quit smoking, taking drugs and drinking alcohol). I’ve already broken the curse and I’m not doing it anymore. She was so happy! My dad saw me for the first time after I shaved and he was so happy he almost cried. I was shy at first going out in public after the major change back into a female.

Turning back was not a mistake in my life. I am happy with the changes of my life. The first thing I was excited was getting my menses (female cycle) back. I was excited about it coming. I overjoyed and Praise the Lord for the miracle He gave me. I may end up facing persecution by the Transgenders and Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual community in Malaysia just because I changed. Messages were coming in with questions to why I change? Was it because I had to please my family? Was I okay? Was I threatened? Was it temporary or permanent? My answer to them was just “I fear God, I repented and I did it to please Him. Not people. And my changes was my own will. Nobody forced me. Repent for He loves you.”

But I was getting negative feedback from them. I wasn’t bothered because I’m happy with my new life God gave me. I am blessed and happy. My family started coming back to me and they were getting closer to me. My friends (school friends) also were happy and coming to me. It is easier to get a job. I thank God for my late grandmother and my aunty (dad’s side) who potentially raised me up with love. They had God’s love in them especially my grandmother who took care of me when my parents was in the midst of unforeseen circumstances in marriage life. If it wasn’t for them I won’t know who my Saviour is and I am what God made me to be now. Without them, I won’t know how to search for God or had the thirst and hunger for Him. They raised me up even I had fallen to be disciplined in life and to know how to pray and seek God. They protected me and saved me from the fall when I was little. They never gave up especially my aunty who spent her time and working days to support and fend me. God is great in many ways He gave me a loving family who loved me without fail. I really thank God for them.

As you go through my story of my changes, sit back and think how God is important in your life. How He loves you so much He doesn’t want you to fall. You may go through struggles in life but He is there to guide you, to protect you and to be with you in your daily life. His Son died on the cross for us. For our sins He shed His blood so that we are saved. My healing of my transformation is only the beginning. He said in Isaiah 53:5 “But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities the chastisement of our peace was upon Him and with His stripes we are healed” and also in 1 Peter 2:24 “Who His own self bare our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness by whose stripes you were healed.” And why should I doubt His works on me? I know He loves me and He heals me daily. Yes, science may say that because I stopped injecting Testosterone, the substance is worn off in my body. My voice is changing back to normal because I stopped. But for me, I believe that my Lord Jesus Christ healed me for His name is greater than any other name whom by His blood and stripes I’m healed.

My story may disturb many of you who are reading especially the Transgender and Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual community but I believe that my Lord Jesus can touch your heart and you will realize how much He loves you. For those who are lost, turn to Him for He is always there to answer your prayers. Speak to Him like how you would to your Father for He is your Father in heaven because He said in Hebrews 13:5 “Let your conversation be without covetousness and be content with such things as you have: for He hath said I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Don’t take the step of turning your life into danger but stand up and say I’m a conqueror and I have overcome all obstacles in 1 John 4:4 “You are of God, little children and have overcome them because greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.”

My advice to those who think God made a wrong decision in your life and created you in the wrong body or image, God didn’t do that. He made you perfectly well. Turn back to Him before it is too late. Seek Him for He is waiting for you. Don’t just because you hated boys or girls or couldn’t get along with boys or girls you decided to change your gender. There are many good boys/girls out there for you but you need to find Mr/Mrs.Right. I’m still asking God to give me one. He is your friend, He is is your comfort. Seek Him and you will find peace and joy. Jesus heals, He saves, He loves you, He cares for you, He knows everything in your life. Don’t fall. Rise up.

Thank you again for supporting me through out my transformation. And again I give Glory, Honour, Praise and Thanksgiving to God for changing my life For He is the Almighty and Living God. He is the King of my life. Amen.

Here are my last thoughts :

Ephesians 2:8-10
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He has planned for us long ago.

This story was submitted from MY VOICE / MY STORY form on Voice of the Voiceless (

My Story – Derek Paul

Voice of the Voiceless amplifies the voices of transformed lives. Submit your story today!

Derek Paul’s Testimony

Derek Paul, Executive Director, Identify Ministries
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Ministry URL:
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Experiences: Formerly Identified as Gay, Disciple of Jesus, Healing through Jesus

First, I want to thank Jesus for meeting me where I was at and liberating me from the torment of my mind, identity and lifestyle and giving me the chance to serve him on this earth.

My name is Derek Paul and I am the Executive Director of Identify Ministries in Gainesville, Florida. We have been around for 4 years and our goal is to reach the homosexual with freedom through Jesus Christ through flagging, testimony and discipleship. As with many who form ministries of this nature, I have had same sex attraction from a young age…but in my world, you just couldn’t talk about things like this and I felt alone.

You see, I was raised in a pastor’s family with a strong church community; nevertheless, I developed same sex attraction from the age of 3 or 4 years old. Never breaking away from Mom and my older sisters and deciding to reject my Dad at a young age held dire consequences. From this young age, I found myself fantasizing about being held by an older man to protect and care for me and this became sexualized. Nightly, I would comfort myself to sleep by thinking in this way.

Even though I was from a religious family, I was never told about homosexuality until 4th or 5th grade, but instinctively I knew that this was not normal. Even as a child I recognized that only a mom and dad were together and had kids. And because of the high esteem I felt my family had to maintain, and the ridicule that could come to them, I decided to keep it hidden, never knowing homosexuality was an actual “thing”.

At 8 years old a miracle happened. Some evangelists came to our church for a revival. On the last night I felt the pull of the Lord to give this area of my thoughts to him following a statement by the evangelist where he said, “if you have something that no one can help you with but God, then come down and give it to him and let him in your heart.” That’s all I needed to hear because that night I couldn’t get there fast enough and had a supernatural experience with God through the Holy Spirit.

From that night on, I didn’t need to console myself through same sex fantasy, but through the next few years realized that something was still terribly wrong. I was still getting called names like girl, fag it, queer, and being physically harassed by my male peers. I had developed feminine mannerisms and vocal patterns that made my early internal turmoil public and plagued me daily. I felt unbearable shame and humiliation because I couldn’t change the way I sounded or my mannerisms enough to feel accepted. And this further ostracized me from my male peers and exponentially fueled the resurgence of same sex attraction.

By this point, I had heard bible verses of how homosexuality was a sin and at first thought I could change it, only to find that I couldn’t change these deep seated desires. You see when a God given need for same sex validation goes unmet, it doesn’t go away, it morphs into a way that can be more easily met. The world of boys was foreign, rough, and isolating for this sensitive, passive, and artistic boy. It was so much easier to fit in with the girls who were less physical, more sensitive, and aesthetic about the world. I understood them…for awhile.

I naturally found my place in the worlds of theater and competitive cheerleading. This isolated me from the masculine world and solidified my own feelings and interests. These genre’s aren’t bad, but as one can image, I was surrounded by more guys like me there, who through the years would come out of the closet one by one through my adolescence. At the same time, girls began to say things like, “yeah you can stay over, your not like the rest of guys.” I was flattered and yet felt judged as not good enough for romantic relationship. I felt like a third gender.

girls began to say things like, “yeah you can stay over, your not like the rest of guys.” I was flattered and yet felt judged as not good enough for romantic relationship. I felt like a third gender.

I was riding the fence, Christian and PK at home and at church, then struggling cheerleader and actor during daytime hours. This was mentally agonizing. Watching my friends come out was initially freeing. Then as the lifestyle set in, it was terrorizing. My friends’ personalities seemed to change quickly, they became depressed, materialistic, an catty. They stopped looking me in the eyes and were either looking at my body inappropriately or looking over my shoulder at the next guy. My heart broke as my dear friends contracted diseases and would isolate from their families and the church.

Even though I didn’t feel like it was in my nature to please God, I knew from experience that a life without him was not possible. I felt torn, old inside, a stranger, and like everyone seemed to know who I was, but me.

Eventually, I came to a breaking point. I had decided to leave the heterosexual world and go into the lifestyle. This meant I had to change colleges, reject my family and friends and move away because the mental struggle had become unbearable. I was still a virgin, but was done with it.

Then God happened. I began a friendship with a young woman at my church who had met God in a very real way. She had her own testimony of Daddy issues, possible pregnancy out of wedlock, and an inner healing that resulted from letting God into her mess. She demonstrated an unconditional love so different from cleaned up church people that I knew all my life. Little did I know that God had orchestrated this relationship and a totally different vision for my life would come as he determined it.

Well, our relationship became romantic, which was foreign to me, and we got married before I experienced any healing with was very hard. As many gays will tell you, marriage to an OSA partner doesn’t fix anything, sometimes it even exacerbates it. But, let me tell you, if you stick with God, He does change things. Based on my own experience with ex-gays, yes that’s a thing; Some of us just don’t stay with him long enough or believe what people tell us over what he says by His Spirit and his Word. Everyone whose best friend is Jesus becomes more like him. Your language changes, friends change, thoughts change, you become a new creature. Over time, I got help and healing through strong relational Christians, mentors, support groups, and the world of men. Gradually I saw that my view on the world had been twisted from a young age and I needed God to bring about drastic changes as only he could. I needed to grieve, connect with him, and connect with people the way He designed it.

The bible says:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! -2 Cor. 5:17 NIV

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. –John 15:7 NIV

When I was meeting with the best man from my wedding, we came across this verse:

1 Cor. 6:9-11. “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers with inherit the kingdom of God. And this is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.”

This was the first time I ever heard that the church was made of homosexuals that gave up their previous lifestyle for Jesus.

So while the narrative that “change never happens” is on TV and socially accepted as truth, change still exists for me and others because change and miracles are God’s specialty. Over the years, I developed stronger physical attraction for my wife than I have had for any man, I have found freedom for my identity as a child of God and peace for my mind. I have a growing family with three incredibly happy children that teach me daily how much God loves me, and now a ministry where I get to talk to people who are struggling with their sexuality and some who aren’t, but the Holy Spirit helps me to give each one something to bring more peace and freedom to them in a broken world needing redemption. While there are some who find similar healing without finding Jesus, Only He is the way, the truth and the life…and if you want those, you’ve got to repent and surrender OR there will always be something in the way of the freedom and peace you want.

I want to challenge you with the scripture.

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is, His good, pleasing and perfect will.”

And remind you that His ways are not our ways, or His thoughts, our thoughts. If your nature won’t let you into heaven, you can be born again by His Spirit and become something completely new. Then, heaven won’t be some foreign place, it will be your eternal destiny and home.

This story was submitted from MY VOICE / MY STORY form on Voice of the Voiceless (

My Story – Robin Goodspeed

Voice of the Voiceless amplifies the voices of transformed lives. Submit your story today!

Jesus Christ Freed Me From Homosexuality

Robin Goodspeed, Advisory Board Member, Former President, Voice of the Voiceless
Experiences: Formerly Identified as Lesbian, Disciple of Jesus, Healing through Jesus

My name is Robin Goodspeed. I am a grateful Christian Ex-Lesbian, Ex-Queer. I was born in the 1950s and I lived most of my adult life as a lesbian. In 2009, in my 50s, I was freed from the horrible homosexual life I lived by the grace of God and the power of Jesus Christ.

I was not born queer. I was not “born that way.” I was sexually abused in a life threatening way at the age of 2 by a female pedophile babysitter without the knowledge of my family. I was born and raised in the Midwest and came from a middle class family with a working, agnostic father and a stay-at-home, devout Christian mother. I was the oldest of three siblings. I went to school and attended church. However, as a result of being sexually abused, I suffered a nervous breakdown at the age of 13 and began a life-long battle with anger, depression, addiction, violence, and suicide. I developed crushes on female teachers and coaches. I went from being a happy, active “A” student to an angry, depressed “D” student. I knew I needed help so I went to my church youth group.

My youth pastor, instead of helping me, offered me marijuana. I knew that was not help and refused. I turned away from the church and from God and became an angry atheist. I needed help desperately, but my family could not afford, and did not believe in, therapy and I began making choices that led to a life of homosexuality.

I had my first lesbian sexual experience in college after getting drunk and waking up in bed with my best female friend. In spite of my depression, eating disorder, alcohol addiction, and suicidal thinking, I was deeply ashamed of my first lesbian encounter. In my heart of hearts I knew it was wrong. My sexual abuse driven self-loathing was so deeply rooted that I refused to speak to school counselors. I stopped going to class and purposely flunked out of that school, trying to leave my lesbian partner and lesbian desires behind. This began another dysfunctional, life-long pattern of geographical cures, but it also forced my parents to admit that I needed help and the next year I saw my first therapist, an MD psychiatrist, while I went to junior college in my home town.

However, I never talked about my lesbian experiences and lesbian desires to the therapist and only talked about my depression and compulsive overeating. The next year I went to my home state university and the shame I felt about my lesbian attractions lessened as my addictive eating, alcoholic drinking, and suicidal obsession increased. I developed compulsive attractions to female students and finally began a secret, closeted lesbian relationship with one of my sorority sisters. My alcoholic drinking and suicidal obsession escalated and many nights I would get drunk, get behind the wheel of my car with the intent of killing myself, and wake up the next morning suffering from a blackout and not remembering how I got home. I know now that it was the grace of God that kept me from killing myself and/or someone else.

I finally managed to graduate from college, but my lesbian partner left me and I struck out for another city in the Midwest, known for being homosexual-friendly, and became an “out”, angry, atheist lesbian. My depression, addiction, and suicidal obsession never left me and I sought counseling help and was told for the first time that I was “born homosexual.” This was by a lesbian therapist at the state university in that city who also tried to seduce me.

I sought out 12 Step groups, which have been called “poor man’s therapy”, because due to my dysfunctional life and dysfunctional work life, I did not have the money to seek out more professional therapy. I found the same “born homosexual” belief there and that fit well with my atheist belief system. My atheist religion worshipped at the altar of science and if a “professional” or the growing atheist culture told me that I was “born queer” then it was my DNA or my genes that were responsible for my life and my choices, not me. I also embraced the Higher Power concept of the 12 Step programs. As an atheist, I was the center of my own universe and the 12 Step programs taught me that I could make my Higher Power anything I wanted. That was code for my Higher Power being me. In spite of never finding healing or peace, I did keep from killing myself, learn to manage my misery better, and become minimally functional and productive.

I went to many counselors for depression, addiction, and suicide during the 1970’s, 80’s, and 90’s and, beginning with the lesbian counselor, every one of them told me what I have come to know now as the blatant, bold faced lie of being “born homosexual.” I received, what I now call, “Born Gay, Be Happy, Take a Pill” therapy.

On my 40th birthday, facing another suicidal crisis brought about by my emerging memories of life threatening sexual abuse, I was able to see a therapist who helped me face what had happened to me as a small child and heal the night terrors that I had suffered from for a life time. The suicidal compulsion was healed, but even this therapist, who helped me face the sexual abuse I suffered as a small child, told me “That’s who you are. You’re a homosexual.” This was while I was on suicide watch. Again, a “professional” perpetrated the lie and I embraced the lie because, as a homosexual, I was never held accountable for my choices or the damage that I did to myself and others.

I embraced the homosexual life and lived for most of 35 years as an “out” lesbian. I brought my lesbian partners to work and all work functions in the corporate world where I worked in various administrative assistant positions. I participated in homosexual rights political groups like Human Rights Campaign (HRC) as a volunteer. I was an in-your-face, dyke-on-a-bike, and rode my motorcycle in black leather with my lesbian partner in Gay Pride Parades. I helped manage a lesbian club committed to supporting the lesbian community where I lived and facilitating “hook-ups” for “late blooming” lesbians. I vacationed at homosexual resorts.

But eventual long term sobriety and multiple lesbian relationships did not bring peace or remove my deep seated shame. I never even considered confronting the lie that I was “born that way.” I became a permanent, angry, atheist homosexual victim, and in the words of the 12 Step Programs, “constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself.”

In 2007 three life changing events occurred; the breakup of another lesbian relationship, the loss of another but more lucrative job, and the death of my father. Suffering shame, guilt, and grief and with the help of another 12 Step program, Adult Children of Alcoholics, for the first time I began to honestly question whether I was “born queer.” The only person in my life, who had never surrendered to that lie, was my mother, a devout Christian. She never stopped praying for my healing, and in my heart of hearts, I knew that she was right and that I was wrong. God allowed these events, that I considered crises at the time, in order to reach me and I came to admit, eventually then emphatically, that I was not “born homosexual.”

I went back to church. At first, I attended the denomination of my childhood at a large downtown cathedral in the west coast city where I was then living. It embraced homosexuality and all of the men in the large choir, including the choir master and his partner, the main soloist, were homosexual. I began to realize that I had made choices that led to my life of homosexuality and that I and I alone, was responsible for those choices. As a permanent homosexual victim, I had made everyone and everything else responsible for my desperate unhappiness. With the death of my father, I had no one left to blame.

The last obstacles to my healing were the mountain of shame that I lived under and the paralyzing fear that I was too bad, too sinful for God to forgive me. I knew that I was going to hell because I had been living in my own hell on earth for a lifetime. I sincerely began searching for a Bible Believing Church and finally, in 2009, God led me to witness the filmed testimony of a man freed from alcoholism, drug addiction, and suicide through the power of Jesus Christ. I knew instantly that Jesus Christ could heal me of homosexuality. With tears streaming down my face, I fell to my knees in a dark, empty theatre and I asked Jesus to come into my heart and forgive me and He did. I was freed immediately from all desire to continue in the homosexual life and filled with an amazing and powerful peace.

I spent the next several years extricating myself from the lesbian prison that I had created for myself. God led me to a supportive Christian Evangelical Bible Preaching Church and Christian Singles Group where I was free to talk about my conversion experience, talk about leaving homosexuality, and share my Ex-Homosexual testimony. I adopted a very simple litmus test for any Christian church that I wanted to attend. If a Christian pastor or minister refused to state that homosexuality is a sin from the pulpit or any of the congregation refused to state that homosexuality is a sin in public, then that was not a church that I wanted to be a part of.

As an active atheist homosexual, I was a committed unrepentant sinner. As a Christian Ex-Homosexual, I knew that I was not born that way and that homosexuality is a choice, a behavior, and a sin. There is no such thing as an unrepentant, committed, active homosexual Christian. The two are mutually exclusive. For my continued healing, I left the lesbian groups, friends, and small business that I had been a part of. Through God’s grace, I was able to eventually move from the west coast to the Midwest to be closer to my mother who had become ill. God facilitated a profound healing in me and a heartfelt reconciliation between me and my mother. My mother went to her heavenly reward in 2012, but she lived to see me accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, leave the heathen homosexual life that I had chosen, and begin to speak the truth about the choice, behavior, and sin of homosexuality.

I did not choose to be sexually abused as a child, but I did choose homosexuality. I was not “born queer.” And through the grace of God and the power of Jesus Christ, today I am one of thousands of Ex-Homosexuals who have left homosexuality. There are now excellent Licensed Professional Therapists doing Reparative Therapy that help children, adults, and families heal from sexual abuse and unwanted same sex attraction.

All children, families, and adults deserve the choice to heal. Today innocent and abused children, like I was, are being deceived and enslaved in homosexuality by a growing amoral atheist culture that celebrates all promiscuity, a psychotherapy community that refuses to tell the truth about the choice and negative consequences of homosexuality, and a legal system that wants to criminalize, and then persecute for profit, the professionals trying to help. The dark design of a homosexual-driven agenda alleging reparative therapy harm intends to re-victimize children who have already been sexually abused and traumatized by sexual predators and then enslave them in the homosexual life until the age of 18, when the damage already done to them is harder to heal. This is cruel and inhumane punishment.

The natural consequences of my choice to live a homosexual life were; shame, depression, anger, addiction, disease, violence, and suicide. I never received the benefits of Professional Reparative Therapy, but the counseling and 12 Step support that I did receive kept me alive long enough for God to finally reach and heal me. When I reached out for and received His help and healing, I was freed from the hideous homosexual life that I chose and all the misery that went with it. Thousands like me have left homosexuality through the grace of God and the power of Jesus Christ. God’s forgiveness and healing are available to all.

I, and thousands like me, have been called to tell the truth about homosexuality. The foundational lie of genetic homosexuality has been perpetrated throughout western culture by the homosexual cabal with no scientific proof whatsoever. Satan is the Father of Lies and many decades of repetition of the “born that way” lie, along with a false perception and promotion of homosexual victimhood has created a justification for homosexual power and privilege, which has always been the real agenda. The truth is that there is no scientific data or proof that there is a homosexual gene or that anyone is “born homosexual.”

Homosexuality is not a civil right based on immutable factors like race or gender. (Yes, your DNA does define your immutable gender. You were born XY or XX and you cannot change it.) Homosexuality is a choice, a behavior, and a sin. The psychotherapy community knows the truth, but has been pushing the “born homosexual” lie for decades to gain political power. There is no scientific data to support a queer gene, but there are identical twin studies, among many others, that prove that homosexuality is a choice and a behavior.

I am an Ex-Homosexual and I, and thousands like me, are the living proof that homosexuality is a choice. Our goal is to speak the truth to the world that there is incredible hope and healing available to all. Anyone can choose to leave homosexuality. If you have an Ex-Homosexual story like mine, you are invited to share it here, like me, to encourage others.

This story was submitted from MY VOICE / MY STORY form on Voice of the Voiceless (

My Story – Matthew Karchner

Voice of the Voiceless amplifies the voices of transformed lives. Submit your story today!

Matthew Karchner
Ministry URL: ​
Formerly Identified as Gay, Now Identifies as Disciple of Jesus, Received Healing through Jesus

I Sold My Soul to “The god of This World”

I sold my soul to “the god of this world”. He had the face of an angel. He said I could have it all. I traded the truth for lies. I followed my deceitful heart. I was crowned prince, dressed in Burberry and flown to New York, Los Angeles and Miami. The house music was spellbinding. I chatted up celebrities. I was ushered to the front of long lines and through the doors of exclusive clubs.

On September 11, 2001, I woke up out of a drunken stupor and turned on the TV. Immediately I started crying. It reminded me that the Lord is coming back in judgment (Matthew 24:37-39). Having no peace, I was terrified.

For work, I moved from Pittsburgh to Boston to Washington, DC and then back to Pittsburgh. My gay life peaked in the bigger cities and then slowed down in Pittsburgh where gay life was less distracting. I was alone with my thoughts.

Cursing and screaming at my family, I had pushed away those who would not actively endorse my lifestyle. One day on Facebook, Christians tried to tell me that I needed to repent. I viciously attacked them. I hated the church.
In my mind, my dog was all I had left. One night, I took him to the roof of my high-rise apartment building. He jumped to his death. In deep depression and heavily self-medicated, I also dreamed of jumping off the roof.

Over time, my fantasy world became a nightmare. It seemed like almost every time I entered a gay bar, I heard of yet another suicide or overdose. Sometimes we did not know for sure what happened, just that another person was gone.

More sin seemed to temporarily decrease the severity of depression. I competed against my personal records. Each trip was intended to outdo the prior. So I planned a trip to San Francisco for my birthday (1/1/2010). Idea was to “airlift” myself out of depression. From designer scarfs, boots and watches to irreplaceable vintage finds, everything that was important to me was packed into one suitcase. “The Castro ain’t ready for this, honey! She’s fierce!” Albeit jokingly, I often referred to myself and other males as “she”.

My self-worth was tied to youth, sex appeal and fashion sense- as best displayed through themed outfits. On the plane, charm earned free drinks. Airport taxi van stopped facing downward on a signature San Francisco slope. From outside the cab, I reached back inside to pay the driver. His fingers yanked the bill, as the van door slammed shut and the taxi sped away with my bag! I stood there catatonic. Everything was gone. I felt naked.

In my mind, the challenge was remarkably clear: “Who are you now (without your ‘things’)?” To a friend, I referred to the energy behind this challenge as, “The universe”. I had lingered far from the Lord I knew as a child to follow my heart.

I had a choice to make- fight or go home? In the morning, I gathered essentials at a thrift store. I did choose to fight. But on that trip, I also took risks that indicated the desperation I was feeling.

Disappointed because I had not found anyone to take back to the hotel on my birthday, I was walking back from a club when strangers invited me into a house for seafood. They treated me like family. Unusual things were happening often.

Back home, I got a puppy who looked just like Snoopy. I let few people get close to me but loved that dog. When I was a little boy, my mom hand-painted my bedroom wall with a Snoopy scene. It seemed like someone was trying to take my mind back to childhood- maybe when things were simpler and more innocent. One day, we came inside from playing. Snoopy stopped in front of a mirror, looked at himself for a few seconds and wagged his tail. I hated myself. But that day, I got the impression that it was ok to like myself.

From relationships to casual sex, everything I tried ended in failure and misery. I was fed up with gay life and had stopped taking it seriously. I had no respect for gay men and had a score to settle with them as a collective. I was enslaved to lust, bitter toward the gay world, bitter toward the church. I was proven wrong but did not want to admit it. I was at the end of myself. Frustrated and depressed, I was bleeding internally from stomach ulcers and having heart palpitations from cocaine use. Youth was fading, and my days were numbered. Where do we go from here?

Beginning prior to the financial crisis in 2007, I had been intimately involved in integrations related to bank acquisitions. Occasionally I recalled being taught of the end times Bible prophecy of “One world bank”. End times prophecy scared me. Without substances, I could not sleep at night. I had no peace.

On May 28, 2010, a young guy I had met online was coming from New Jersey by train to spend the weekend with me. This type of thing was my norm. After work, I was preparing with sit-ups on my filthy apartment floor next to a dirty ash tray. Living a fantasy, I tried to present myself well in public. Up and down… up and down… there was a tightness in my chest. Reminders of end times prophecies, such as ‘earthquakes in diverse places’ (Matthew 24), streamed through my head. The war over the soul of a man was underway, and Satan would not let go without a fight. He spoke lies. I knew that the Lord is coming back in judgment and that I was not ready. But liberation required surrender. I had a choice to make.

Suddenly I said ‘Ok’ or ‘Yes’ and surrendered to Jesus. It was like hollering, “Uncle!” I am not sure if I said it aloud or in my spirit. Literally I felt the burden lift from me. First thing I did was to stand up and look at myself in the mirror. I saw a genuine smile that did not require assistance from alcohol, drugs or sex. As remembered from childhood, I later prayed the sinner’s prayer on my knees at the side of the bed to make my decision official. I felt like a lump of bones that had been beaten for years. I could finally sleep without substances. Jesus had given me what the Bible calls “the peace that passes understanding”.

Jesus brought revolution to my life that day. Did I follow Him perfectly afterwards? No. A much anticipated international trip was planned two weeks from that point. Although I considered cancelling, I went. Through heavy turbulence on the return flight, I was filled with fear. I ultimately repented and started over. He later would reveal my identity in Him and the enduring satisfaction that comes with following Jesus. Praise the Lord for His grace, mercy and abundant life in Him.

Following my deceitful heart led me off a cliff. Jesus guides down a narrow, difficult path that leads to eternal life (John 10:10). Today I walk by faith and not by sight. His Word says that man and woman should be together, not man and man (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). Today I trust Jesus for a wife.

“So if the Son sets you free, you shall be free indeed.” – John 8:36

This story was submitted from MY VOICE / MY STORY form on Voice of the Voiceless (

My Story – Susan Takata

Voice of the Voiceless amplifies the voices of transformed lives. Submit your story today!

Susan Takata, Voice of the Voiceless Advisory Board Member
Experience: Formerly Identified as Transgender, Now Identifies as Disciple of Jesus, Received Healing through Jesus

The Good Journey

Did anybody know that something was about to be put on the plate on this pastor of a large church that is totally new & unexpected? It was just a regular Friday night for most of the gang going to Friday night Live at Christian Life Assembly. This was the day that Steve was to make his appearance more firm. He began the ascent to the alter of the church to make this grand proclamation “I have an announcement to make” he remarked with some trepidation “some things are going to change in my life…..Susan will not be around anymore but you can call me Steve now. They are going to begin to prepare me for the change immediately.”

It was in the early 90’s. I had already been battling this for over 25 years. I as Susan tried everything to find a solution to the fact that My inner identity didn’t match the exterior. Since toddlerhood I identified myself (if not to the outside world but at least in my inner self) as “I am a boy” . The television affirmed that idea (I like GI Joes, Hot Wheels, etc)., the Japanese culture showed me I am not a female. In the Japanese lingo I took on the male pronouns. The early sexual molestations helped me to reject my feminine identity because I was not safe and the femininity drew negative attention. My mother was perplexed at this kid who doesn’t quite make it as a girl. Quite often she was so irritated that I was a different type of girl that she would really let me know she was disappointed. She did not know that I was raped at 10 yrs old (March 11, 1974 by a serial rapist who later went on to kill children) after several years of othermolestations. A soul is a glass jar and rape completely crushes it through breaking of boundaries. My 30 years addiction (starting at 12) to pornography reinforced my identity as a male. Everything that was negative or caused me pain was happening because I didn’t have a penis. Everything happened because I’m a girl.

Much shame of failing to be an acceptable girl led to several acting out on how I will commit suicide began in toddlerhood. This did not ease the pain. I have a love for music and play instruments so I identified so much with all male bands and their lyrics further helped me in my deception to myself. ….. (Cecillia, you’re breaking my heart……..) Do you see what I mean. So since I was a rocker hiding my gender confusion wasn’t that hard….. heck I didn’t even have to cut my hair. I was a rocker. I tried dating but that didn’t fulfill. I was a heterosexual male so dating lesbians was out of the question. The Lord kept putting Christian people in my life who wanted to date me, mostly men So I sermized that perhaps happiness would come if I became thinner to attract women.. Yes, that’s it. So I would exercise and just eat vegetables. A still small voice would say “Come to me and I will give you rest”. I would say I have no time. When I have time I will talk to You.

In July 1980, I was admitted to Vancouver General Hospital – 16 years old, 5’4.5” ….I went from 140 lbs to 95 lbs. I had pleurisy with tuberculosis and was racked in pain….breathing was like having a pinched nerve in both my lungs. My lungs and brain would say “we need to breathe now” ; I would think, “is that really necessary?” Why is this happening? “You asked me to give you time” poked that familiar voice I was so ignoring “well kid, you have it” It was the voice of the One who really wanted me to know He is with me, who really loves me. “Do you remember what you said? I do.” Oh bother, do I ever. I couldn’t get away from that promise. The Radio just Christian…. My housekeeper in the room I was placed in (Isolation Room) a Christian talking, smiling, talking. I couldn’t get away. So I gave my heart to Him. Early recollections of me (in my mind a boy) sitting in the summer sun, reading my bible (cause I was not allowed visitors or go to school) listening to the radio and Keith Green and Petra. Still thinking I’m a boy but the Lord slowly chipping away at me. Praying was difficult because when I closed my eyes I would see that boy I was praying.

In the Bible much of the echoes of my mother saying “if you were a male you could do this or that”. “You are part of the Sons of God”, etc. The women in the Bible were not as accepted. I kept reading about being a son of God. Many references of blessings of being sons of Israel and the curse of the women. After a couple of months I was able to go back to school and some family friends invited me to church.I was totally immersed in ministry….. keep myself busy…. God will love me for what I do…. He is my saviour…. He loves me…. If I love Him I will do……. If I do I don’t have to think. This hatred of my female self will disappear. A few years later the hatred never stopped but I was able to hide because I was busy. Then things came to an end…. I had been deceived by some ministries I was involved in. I left the church . I had much shame and anger…..losing a church… being lied to by a ministry. Seeing a solution to something that street ministry wasn’t addressing for homeless kids and trying to be the answer for that (and being rejected by ministry due to lack of following protocol). I soon left the church.

But the Lord never stopped calling me. And why did I never get the operation done at that time? He had me hooked up with trans people who wanted to date me and they tried to convince me to stay a female…. While I was trying to do the same to them. The relationships never really went too far because…. Deep in my heart I really loved those people and if I really loved those people I would want the best for them ….and that is…… a relationship with Jesus Christ. I couldn’t really get past the knowledge that the very people I cared about the most I would be short changing if I got into a serious relationship with them. Also, as I thought I was a heterosexual male I couldn’t fathom having a relationship with a lesbian….I must interject here…. Some of the most wounded people in the lifestyle aren’t the ones who went into it full bore…many didn’t act out as much but the condemnation felt from the church, but more damaging, is the often decades of self beating they have done is deep and not easy to identify or dig out… is often cloaked. I often find it easier for a Christian who got out of the lifestyle after conversion easier to get healing than for a Christian who struggled with SSA for years in the church but not acting out too much because they still think that going into the lifestyle would be better…it’s the unknown temptation. I went to The local Lesbian club to have some sort of community….I was accepted as long as I stay a female (apparently I was quite a catch because many came up to me to proposition me) but the moment I got my operation I was told I’d have to hit the road. All around me I heard of stories of people being dishonest to those they married and their spouses later finding out they had been lied to. Women who had become men but never disclosed it to their partners until too late.

After a few years I started to be open to coming back to Jesus. I got a job as a Psychiatric Care aid. And as a twist of fate it became part of my job to pray to God whom I wasn’t even talking to (that is another part of my life to talk about another time). Every night whether I’m working or not two patients would be waiting at the door to ask me to help them pray to God for their families. Well, later my heart started to soften. And once again I began asking the Lord to talk to me even if I do call myself Steven. Praying was hard because I saw that picture as a boy even as I was praying I praying as Steven. I felt that it’s ok.

I decided to go back to church and a mormon family brought me to christian life assembly which is a pentecostal church. Then things got harder…. The devil fought hard to stop me. So as I began to give up I decided to go to my doctor to help me with my gender identity. I remember her saying “You’ve already been fighting hard for a long time….I’m going to give my consent for the operation cause I believe you have already fulfilled some of the requirements. You will just have to get a couple of more signatures which I don’t think will be hard and start attending the Gender Dysphoria Clinic at Vancouver General Hospital.”

It was the following week that my grand announcement was made in front of the congregation of the Young Adults group. To say that I was blessed would be an understatement. Many who have done this had met up with hostility and anger. I was embraced with love by those who loved me already and I think a sense of finally understanding me by those who couldn’t give me the time of day. I went to a ex-gay support group but I was more masculine than most of the guys there and being a normal straight male I never considered myself lesbian….. so needless to say I did not feel welcome nor did I fit in. But I decided to stick with it and seek help for myself even though I was alienated.

From early on I was aware that it isn’t necessary to have gone through my experience to be the ones to help me through this. I also was aware of many of false assumptions I was making about what it means to be a female. The lies that I believed from early childhood began to unravel. The first ones were of what we believe as who are better women…. Or evaluations of women. The lies I believed about myself. I became friends with another trans person (female who thought she was a male). I saw she was making a horrid mistake; “She’s not very good at this” quipped the inner voice”Maybe I can help her see this”. Little did I know that she had an inner voice telling her the same thing. Every time I would comment on a male aspect she’s not good at, the Lord would say “And you’re better at it?’ Going to gay porno movies weren’t that much better, when to lesbians were at it I’d say “two women? That’s disgusting” Ahem… Would be the voice behind me.

My small group leaders in this organization were not from the lifestyle but that worked to my benefit. The realization of the commonality of problems disengaged much of the power that those problems had on me. Many of my problems weren’t just specific to transgender people.

I cannot tell you how important community of the fellowship of the saints is. We must resolve…. Getting relationships in this lifestyle took time and people disappointed us. The community called the Church deserve the same amount of patience. At first there will be times of loneliness because just like us…. People in the church have also had been hurt and need time to trust. My Pastor had a heart to heart talk with me and was incredibly open…. He really wanted to know why I felt the way I did and was candid and honest with me. I told him how I felt like such a failure comparing to him and that I wanted to be him. He told me how he admired me…. That was liberating. I had a counsellor who didn’t have any experience with helping trans people or any homosexuals. But whatever he did I looked forward to our bi-weekly appointments even though it took me two hours to get to his office. Whatever he was doing he kept me wanting to come back for more….I later was told that he made sure to set aside a couple of hours before our appointment to ask God what He wanted to do because he didn’t know what to do. I had a friend who said though this hurts her that she would be willing to go clothes shopping with me for more men’s clothing. I had three men friends named Greg who got together with me daily and included me in their activities…. Each of course had their own unique set of problems (one sickness, one divorce with kids, one trouble with the law) and Paul who was just weird. We got together for coffee daily and just talked and prayed. They took me to the beach where they let me point out women they could date. I had a lady friend involved in kids ministry who refused to let me not be in ministry while she chipped away at Steve to find Susan.

Most churches I found would rather not admit that they have to refer people somewhere else cause they don’t have the knowledge.

One problem, it was a ministry for homosexuals… I never saw myself as gay because all straight men like women. I saw myself as a normal male. Thankfully the director completely understood where I was coming from but she encouraged me to go anyways. I am grateful. A word of wisdom she gave me when I made my own problem (I made it known I did not belong there because I’m not gay – which did not make me any friends)…. You’re not here to make friends…. You’re here for healing. This gave me the freedom to be myself and low…. I began making friends.

I am going into details about the basics/foundations of how my healing journey started because if you can have this to start with your journey is off to a firm start. Another Chance Ministries was the beginning of dealing with the root issues of false beliefs, generational false beliefs and causes of my beliefs, trauma, etc. What was once a minute by minute struggle is now a distant memory. But it was a memory.

As time went on I finally overcame my pornography issue. Porn can be a subliminal effort to piece together the shattered person and also a symptom to seek the true meaning of love. Because of the rape I was shattered and my soul needed to get away and the chemicals released in my brain by watching gave me a moment of exhilaration. Much healing was expedited when I refused to self medicate and allow God to heal. Self medication for me came out in waves and took on many forms. 1) Pornography (see above), 2) Masturbation and fantasy, 3) hatred of female self, 4) weight gain – building a wall around me to not let people in or attract attention, and 4) anger. Whoa…..anger? Really? Yes, anger. Anger releases chemicals in your brain that affect your body. 5) Tylenol 3’s. It was during this time that I was being exposed to going back to Classic Christianity and knowing the true Father Heart of God. Everywhere I looked God was telling me how much He loves me as I am. The last time I was about to attempt suicide I came off the ledge went into a restaurant where I heard the voice of God using Rod Stewart to tell me “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You” I had just gotten off the ledge that I felt so much at peace to jump off of before remembering I had a phone call to return. I called, not mentioning anything to the person on the other end of the line, came back to the ledge where my nerve left me to jump off that edge. Psalms 139 was brought to me in the form of a pro-life pamphlet where there were pics of different stages of fetal development adjacent to scriptural verses. The Lord would say “That was what you looked like. I tickled your feet then and you kicked your mom when I did that”.

There was a time when I had to come to terms with being a disappointment to my mother. The Lord replaced those feelings by letting me know He was there and replaced her feelings with how He felt about me at that time. Slowly the feelings of rejection of the female were replaced with acceptance and agreement with the Father and later went to loving that female self as He did because I had to agree with Him since His is the only opinion that isn’t tainted.

(NKJV) 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

2Cor 3:18. (NKJV) 18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.

This story was submitted from MY VOICE / MY STORY form on Voice of the Voiceless (