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Marianne Bernadette Pillai’s Testimony
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Experiences: Formerly Identified as Transgender, Disciple of Jesus, Healing through Jesus
His Cross Changed My Transgendered Life
Now let me tell you of a wonderful thing or a miracle that happened to my life that changed my whole self back to my original gender a FEMALE.
I was born as a female. I am 33. My name is Marianne Bernadette Pillai from Malaysia. God made me a female as He said in Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in His own image, in the image of God created he Him; male and female created He them” and in Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the belly I knew you and before you came forth out of the womb I sanctified you.”
But I didn’t know all this at first because I didn’t know the truth about His word. All along I thought God was wrong or He made a mistake in creating me as a female. I hated myself because I thought girls can’t be like boys. They can’t live freely like boys. And I thought my parents didn’t love me and they wanted a boy in their life. I started dressing up like a boy at the age of 11 (just to please my parents). Off and on in my life of 20 years I was confused about myself. Whether I was a male or a female. I kept changing my outfit. For sometime I was a boy & for sometime I was a girl.
Then when I was working in Genting Highlands in 2006 when I was 21, I finally decided to be a boy. Yes. A major change in my life. I started dressing up as a male, putting on male clothes, cut my hair really short & I walked like a male. And I lived like a male. So I thought life would be easy being a boy. I was wrong. There were people who were disgusted with my appearance once they got to know my birth name (I was known as Andy). My family started to distance themselves away from me. Girls were after me though but it was for a little while. I started to get angry with God. I started questioning Him “Why did you created me? Why are you putting my life like this? Why was I born?”. I started blaming God for everything I did. But I didn’t know what was in store for me as He said in John 3:16 “For God so loved the world so much that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believe in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
I started drinking alcohol, I started taking drugs, I became violent, I was involved in gangsterism and I tried committing suicide many times. I was so hateful of myself. I started believing God didn’t exist at all. I was so depressed of “love failure” with a girl.
Then on the 18th May 2013 I decided to change my gender into a “man”. I did lots of research on this steroid called Testosterone. Just to please myself. It’s a substance of drug illegal in Malaysia used by many transgenders who wants to change their gender. I was so happy about it & got it illegally from a supplier. It was cheap for RM20. Every 3 weeks I had to endure the pain of suffering just to change my gender. It took me 1 year to see the difference.
And so during my time as a transgender (female to male), I was involved in many activities regarding the LGBT community. I thought maybe God understood my situation and I took it so lightly… I was helping the community without realizing the truth that God was actually showing me in Leviticus 20:13 “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.” I didn’t know that. And still I was taking it lightly. So my life was just enjoyment. Let me make it short.
I was living in Penang, Malaysia when all this events of my life as a transgender took place. I was enjoying life as a male. Going out with friends, clubbing, got myself drunk and was on drugs most of the time. The drug that got me addicted was methamphetamine or “ice”. Off and on I’ll go back to my hometown in Taiping to visit my family thinking it was okay that they would accept me as a male. Without knowing, both of my aunties (mum’s side) talked to me about God and His Son Jesus Christ and how He died for me to save my soul and sins. Many times I tried running away from them and God, thinking God understood my situation. But they never gave up bringing me back. I followed them to church and frequently attended services. They were showing God’s love to me but I was still not happy about what’s going on.
Then I went back to Penang and didn’t feel like going back anymore because I thought they couldn’t accept my transition. So I carried on with my lifestyle and I was doing things against God’s will. This time I was hungry and thirsty for God. I wanted Him so badly. I wanted love but I didn’t know how to reach Him. I was frustrated and the only solution was dying. I was so addicted with this drug called methamphetamine. But I was still thinking “I’m a Christian la, I already received Christ and salvation. He will understand. I go to church and I read His word so He will understand.” I was wrong. I took God lightly.
Then one night as I was asleep, I had this weird dream and it was all words from the Bible. There was this particular scripture that came to me Revelation 2:5 “Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen and REPENT and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou REPENT.” I awoke at 5 in the morning, got up, took my bible read the words and I felt my heart just pierced in with guilt. I didn’t take the words seriously because I didn’t want to know. I put aside the bible and went back to sleep. These words was still pondering my mind until the day I went back to Taiping and attended Sunday service at the church I was going. It was in 2015 that the Holy Spirit convicted me again through our pastor and confirmed me with Revelation 2:5.
I was shocked and turned to my aunties and told them “I dream of this scripture pastor is saying. How come?” I was in total shock. Because the night before my church pastor confirmed this scripture, I was really guilty about it and told my aunty. All she said was confess all your sins to God because it says in 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I didn’t know how to do it. So she said “When we were from the other church, we will confess our sins to the priest but not God. What can they do? Can they forgive our sins? No right? Only God can. So go and do it. Confess your sins only to God. Just between you and God.” So I did that before I went to bed. I confessed all my sins without leaving one. Then, I had this dream the night before that I was vomiting out slimy mucus from my mouth. And both my aunties were praying over me. I directed one of them to go straight to my wallet and take out my late Grandmother’s photo.
I woke up and called out JESUS! And told my aunty the dream. She did exactly what I saw in my dream. The minute she rebuked the photo and tore it off, I felt such a relief. My body was so light! So the meaning of my dream was, God and the Holy Spirit was working in me cleansing out all my sins because I obeyed His Word. The slimy mucus was my sins. And the photo was instead of speaking to God and loving Him more, I did the opposite of speaking to my late grandmother and loving her. My body was so light and I really felt like she is really dead. Then later the same night I was attacked by the enemy because I was against him and going to God. I awoke again and called my other aunty to come pray for me. I was filled with the Holy Spirit praying continuously until 7 in the morning, got ready to church and that’s when my church pastor revealed the scripture to me. I tell you God is great. He does wonders in my life. I encountered with Him many times through scriptures, dreams and miracles (heard His voice and felt His presence)
Then when all this occurred, I was still appearing as a male. Then one day on March 2015, our church pastor was talking about “Breaking the family curses.” He was teaching us if we want to be free from the curses, we need to repent. As we knelt down on that Wednesday night and confessed our sins again (I didn’t complete it properly) and repent, I woke up from where I was kneeling, told my aunty “Aunty, I’m going to shave my facial hair tomorrow.” She didn’t believe. I did it the next day. Believe it or not? I walked out of the bathroom clean shave! She on the other hand was praising and thanking God for the miraculous change in me. Then I decided no more being a male and stopped injecting Testosterone (I also quit smoking, taking drugs and drinking alcohol). I’ve already broken the curse and I’m not doing it anymore. She was so happy! My dad saw me for the first time after I shaved and he was so happy he almost cried. I was shy at first going out in public after the major change back into a female.
Turning back was not a mistake in my life. I am happy with the changes of my life. The first thing I was excited was getting my menses (female cycle) back. I was excited about it coming. I overjoyed and Praise the Lord for the miracle He gave me. I may end up facing persecution by the Transgenders and Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual community in Malaysia just because I changed. Messages were coming in with questions to why I change? Was it because I had to please my family? Was I okay? Was I threatened? Was it temporary or permanent? My answer to them was just “I fear God, I repented and I did it to please Him. Not people. And my changes was my own will. Nobody forced me. Repent for He loves you.”
But I was getting negative feedback from them. I wasn’t bothered because I’m happy with my new life God gave me. I am blessed and happy. My family started coming back to me and they were getting closer to me. My friends (school friends) also were happy and coming to me. It is easier to get a job. I thank God for my late grandmother and my aunty (dad’s side) who potentially raised me up with love. They had God’s love in them especially my grandmother who took care of me when my parents was in the midst of unforeseen circumstances in marriage life. If it wasn’t for them I won’t know who my Saviour is and I am what God made me to be now. Without them, I won’t know how to search for God or had the thirst and hunger for Him. They raised me up even I had fallen to be disciplined in life and to know how to pray and seek God. They protected me and saved me from the fall when I was little. They never gave up especially my aunty who spent her time and working days to support and fend me. God is great in many ways He gave me a loving family who loved me without fail. I really thank God for them.
As you go through my story of my changes, sit back and think how God is important in your life. How He loves you so much He doesn’t want you to fall. You may go through struggles in life but He is there to guide you, to protect you and to be with you in your daily life. His Son died on the cross for us. For our sins He shed His blood so that we are saved. My healing of my transformation is only the beginning. He said in Isaiah 53:5 “But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities the chastisement of our peace was upon Him and with His stripes we are healed” and also in 1 Peter 2:24 “Who His own self bare our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness by whose stripes you were healed.” And why should I doubt His works on me? I know He loves me and He heals me daily. Yes, science may say that because I stopped injecting Testosterone, the substance is worn off in my body. My voice is changing back to normal because I stopped. But for me, I believe that my Lord Jesus Christ healed me for His name is greater than any other name whom by His blood and stripes I’m healed.
My story may disturb many of you who are reading especially the Transgender and Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual community but I believe that my Lord Jesus can touch your heart and you will realize how much He loves you. For those who are lost, turn to Him for He is always there to answer your prayers. Speak to Him like how you would to your Father for He is your Father in heaven because He said in Hebrews 13:5 “Let your conversation be without covetousness and be content with such things as you have: for He hath said I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Don’t take the step of turning your life into danger but stand up and say I’m a conqueror and I have overcome all obstacles in 1 John 4:4 “You are of God, little children and have overcome them because greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.”
My advice to those who think God made a wrong decision in your life and created you in the wrong body or image, God didn’t do that. He made you perfectly well. Turn back to Him before it is too late. Seek Him for He is waiting for you. Don’t just because you hated boys or girls or couldn’t get along with boys or girls you decided to change your gender. There are many good boys/girls out there for you but you need to find Mr/Mrs.Right. I’m still asking God to give me one. He is your friend, He is is your comfort. Seek Him and you will find peace and joy. Jesus heals, He saves, He loves you, He cares for you, He knows everything in your life. Don’t fall. Rise up.
Thank you again for supporting me through out my transformation. And again I give Glory, Honour, Praise and Thanksgiving to God for changing my life For He is the Almighty and Living God. He is the King of my life. Amen.
Here are my last thoughts :
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He has planned for us long ago.
This story was submitted from MY VOICE / MY STORY form on Voice of the Voiceless (https://www.voiceofthevoiceless.info/My-Voice-My-Story)