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My Story – Marianne Bernadette Pillai

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Marianne Bernadette Pillai’s Testimony

Personal: www.mariannepillai.blogspot.com
Ministry: https://www.facebook.com/groups/105589223443360/
Google Plus: https://plus.google.com/103445565729585967770
Experiences: Formerly Identified as Transgender, Disciple of Jesus, Healing through Jesus

His Cross Changed My Transgendered Life

Now let me tell you of a wonderful thing or a miracle that happened to my life that changed my whole self back to my original gender a FEMALE.

I was born as a female. I am 33. My name is Marianne Bernadette Pillai from Malaysia. God made me a female as He said in Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in His own image, in the image of God created he Him; male and female created He them” and in Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the belly I knew you and before you came forth out of the womb I sanctified you.”

But I didn’t know all this at first because I didn’t know the truth about His word. All along I thought God was wrong or He made a mistake in creating me as a female. I hated myself because I thought girls can’t be like boys. They can’t live freely like boys. And I thought my parents didn’t love me and they wanted a boy in their life. I started dressing up like a boy at the age of 11 (just to please my parents). Off and on in my life of 20 years I was confused about myself. Whether I was a male or a female. I kept changing my outfit. For sometime I was a boy & for sometime I was a girl.

Then when I was working in Genting Highlands in 2006 when I was 21, I finally decided to be a boy. Yes. A major change in my life. I started dressing up as a male, putting on male clothes, cut my hair really short & I walked like a male. And I lived like a male. So I thought life would be easy being a boy. I was wrong. There were people who were disgusted with my appearance once they got to know my birth name (I was known as Andy). My family started to distance themselves away from me. Girls were after me though but it was for a little while. I started to get angry with God. I started questioning Him “Why did you created me? Why are you putting my life like this? Why was I born?”. I started blaming God for everything I did. But I didn’t know what was in store for me as He said in John 3:16 “For God so loved the world so much that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believe in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

I started drinking alcohol, I started taking drugs, I became violent, I was involved in gangsterism and I tried committing suicide many times. I was so hateful of myself. I started believing God didn’t exist at all. I was so depressed of “love failure” with a girl.

Then on the 18th May 2013 I decided to change my gender into a “man”. I did lots of research on this steroid called Testosterone. Just to please myself. It’s a substance of drug illegal in Malaysia used by many transgenders who wants to change their gender. I was so happy about it & got it illegally from a supplier. It was cheap for RM20. Every 3 weeks I had to endure the pain of suffering just to change my gender. It took me 1 year to see the difference.

And so during my time as a transgender (female to male), I was involved in many activities regarding the LGBT community. I thought maybe God understood my situation and I took it so lightly… I was helping the community without realizing the truth that God was actually showing me in Leviticus 20:13 “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.” I didn’t know that. And still I was taking it lightly. So my life was just enjoyment. Let me make it short.

I was living in Penang, Malaysia when all this events of my life as a transgender took place. I was enjoying life as a male. Going out with friends, clubbing, got myself drunk and was on drugs most of the time. The drug that got me addicted was methamphetamine or “ice”. Off and on I’ll go back to my hometown in Taiping to visit my family thinking it was okay that they would accept me as a male. Without knowing, both of my aunties (mum’s side) talked to me about God and His Son Jesus Christ and how He died for me to save my soul and sins. Many times I tried running away from them and God, thinking God understood my situation. But they never gave up bringing me back. I followed them to church and frequently attended services. They were showing God’s love to me but I was still not happy about what’s going on.

Then I went back to Penang and didn’t feel like going back anymore because I thought they couldn’t accept my transition. So I carried on with my lifestyle and I was doing things against God’s will. This time I was hungry and thirsty for God. I wanted Him so badly. I wanted love but I didn’t know how to reach Him. I was frustrated and the only solution was dying. I was so addicted with this drug called methamphetamine. But I was still thinking “I’m a Christian la, I already received Christ and salvation. He will understand. I go to church and I read His word so He will understand.” I was wrong. I took God lightly.

Then one night as I was asleep, I had this weird dream and it was all words from the Bible. There was this particular scripture that came to me Revelation 2:5 “Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen and REPENT and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou REPENT.” I awoke at 5 in the morning, got up, took my bible read the words and I felt my heart just pierced in with guilt. I didn’t take the words seriously because I didn’t want to know. I put aside the bible and went back to sleep. These words was still pondering my mind until the day I went back to Taiping and attended Sunday service at the church I was going. It was in 2015 that the Holy Spirit convicted me again through our pastor and confirmed me with Revelation 2:5.

I was shocked and turned to my aunties and told them “I dream of this scripture pastor is saying. How come?” I was in total shock. Because the night before my church pastor confirmed this scripture, I was really guilty about it and told my aunty. All she said was confess all your sins to God because it says in 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I didn’t know how to do it. So she said “When we were from the other church, we will confess our sins to the priest but not God. What can they do? Can they forgive our sins? No right? Only God can. So go and do it. Confess your sins only to God. Just between you and God.” So I did that before I went to bed. I confessed all my sins without leaving one. Then, I had this dream the night before that I was vomiting out slimy mucus from my mouth. And both my aunties were praying over me. I directed one of them to go straight to my wallet and take out my late Grandmother’s photo.

I woke up and called out JESUS! And told my aunty the dream. She did exactly what I saw in my dream. The minute she rebuked the photo and tore it off, I felt such a relief. My body was so light! So the meaning of my dream was, God and the Holy Spirit was working in me cleansing out all my sins because I obeyed His Word. The slimy mucus was my sins. And the photo was instead of speaking to God and loving Him more, I did the opposite of speaking to my late grandmother and loving her. My body was so light and I really felt like she is really dead. Then later the same night I was attacked by the enemy because I was against him and going to God. I awoke again and called my other aunty to come pray for me. I was filled with the Holy Spirit praying continuously until 7 in the morning, got ready to church and that’s when my church pastor revealed the scripture to me. I tell you God is great. He does wonders in my life. I encountered with Him many times through scriptures, dreams and miracles (heard His voice and felt His presence)

Then when all this occurred, I was still appearing as a male. Then one day on March 2015, our church pastor was talking about “Breaking the family curses.” He was teaching us if we want to be free from the curses, we need to repent. As we knelt down on that Wednesday night and confessed our sins again (I didn’t complete it properly) and repent, I woke up from where I was kneeling, told my aunty “Aunty, I’m going to shave my facial hair tomorrow.” She didn’t believe. I did it the next day. Believe it or not? I walked out of the bathroom clean shave! She on the other hand was praising and thanking God for the miraculous change in me. Then I decided no more being a male and stopped injecting Testosterone (I also quit smoking, taking drugs and drinking alcohol). I’ve already broken the curse and I’m not doing it anymore. She was so happy! My dad saw me for the first time after I shaved and he was so happy he almost cried. I was shy at first going out in public after the major change back into a female.

Turning back was not a mistake in my life. I am happy with the changes of my life. The first thing I was excited was getting my menses (female cycle) back. I was excited about it coming. I overjoyed and Praise the Lord for the miracle He gave me. I may end up facing persecution by the Transgenders and Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual community in Malaysia just because I changed. Messages were coming in with questions to why I change? Was it because I had to please my family? Was I okay? Was I threatened? Was it temporary or permanent? My answer to them was just “I fear God, I repented and I did it to please Him. Not people. And my changes was my own will. Nobody forced me. Repent for He loves you.”

But I was getting negative feedback from them. I wasn’t bothered because I’m happy with my new life God gave me. I am blessed and happy. My family started coming back to me and they were getting closer to me. My friends (school friends) also were happy and coming to me. It is easier to get a job. I thank God for my late grandmother and my aunty (dad’s side) who potentially raised me up with love. They had God’s love in them especially my grandmother who took care of me when my parents was in the midst of unforeseen circumstances in marriage life. If it wasn’t for them I won’t know who my Saviour is and I am what God made me to be now. Without them, I won’t know how to search for God or had the thirst and hunger for Him. They raised me up even I had fallen to be disciplined in life and to know how to pray and seek God. They protected me and saved me from the fall when I was little. They never gave up especially my aunty who spent her time and working days to support and fend me. God is great in many ways He gave me a loving family who loved me without fail. I really thank God for them.

As you go through my story of my changes, sit back and think how God is important in your life. How He loves you so much He doesn’t want you to fall. You may go through struggles in life but He is there to guide you, to protect you and to be with you in your daily life. His Son died on the cross for us. For our sins He shed His blood so that we are saved. My healing of my transformation is only the beginning. He said in Isaiah 53:5 “But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities the chastisement of our peace was upon Him and with His stripes we are healed” and also in 1 Peter 2:24 “Who His own self bare our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness by whose stripes you were healed.” And why should I doubt His works on me? I know He loves me and He heals me daily. Yes, science may say that because I stopped injecting Testosterone, the substance is worn off in my body. My voice is changing back to normal because I stopped. But for me, I believe that my Lord Jesus Christ healed me for His name is greater than any other name whom by His blood and stripes I’m healed.

My story may disturb many of you who are reading especially the Transgender and Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual community but I believe that my Lord Jesus can touch your heart and you will realize how much He loves you. For those who are lost, turn to Him for He is always there to answer your prayers. Speak to Him like how you would to your Father for He is your Father in heaven because He said in Hebrews 13:5 “Let your conversation be without covetousness and be content with such things as you have: for He hath said I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Don’t take the step of turning your life into danger but stand up and say I’m a conqueror and I have overcome all obstacles in 1 John 4:4 “You are of God, little children and have overcome them because greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.”

My advice to those who think God made a wrong decision in your life and created you in the wrong body or image, God didn’t do that. He made you perfectly well. Turn back to Him before it is too late. Seek Him for He is waiting for you. Don’t just because you hated boys or girls or couldn’t get along with boys or girls you decided to change your gender. There are many good boys/girls out there for you but you need to find Mr/Mrs.Right. I’m still asking God to give me one. He is your friend, He is is your comfort. Seek Him and you will find peace and joy. Jesus heals, He saves, He loves you, He cares for you, He knows everything in your life. Don’t fall. Rise up.

Thank you again for supporting me through out my transformation. And again I give Glory, Honour, Praise and Thanksgiving to God for changing my life For He is the Almighty and Living God. He is the King of my life. Amen.

Here are my last thoughts :

Ephesians 2:8-10
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He has planned for us long ago.

This story was submitted from MY VOICE / MY STORY form on Voice of the Voiceless (https://www.voiceofthevoiceless.info/My-Voice-My-Story)

My Story – Derek Paul

Voice of the Voiceless amplifies the voices of transformed lives. Submit your story today!

Derek Paul’s Testimony

Derek Paul, Executive Director, Identify Ministries
Personal URL: https://www.facebook.com/derek.paul.7921
Ministry URL: https://www.facebook.com/Identify-Ministries-Inc-192932014592997/
YouTube URL: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCALShjfU9Io4ycRfMRSqcNw
Experiences: Formerly Identified as Gay, Disciple of Jesus, Healing through Jesus

First, I want to thank Jesus for meeting me where I was at and liberating me from the torment of my mind, identity and lifestyle and giving me the chance to serve him on this earth.

My name is Derek Paul and I am the Executive Director of Identify Ministries in Gainesville, Florida. We have been around for 4 years and our goal is to reach the homosexual with freedom through Jesus Christ through flagging, testimony and discipleship. As with many who form ministries of this nature, I have had same sex attraction from a young age…but in my world, you just couldn’t talk about things like this and I felt alone.

You see, I was raised in a pastor’s family with a strong church community; nevertheless, I developed same sex attraction from the age of 3 or 4 years old. Never breaking away from Mom and my older sisters and deciding to reject my Dad at a young age held dire consequences. From this young age, I found myself fantasizing about being held by an older man to protect and care for me and this became sexualized. Nightly, I would comfort myself to sleep by thinking in this way.

Even though I was from a religious family, I was never told about homosexuality until 4th or 5th grade, but instinctively I knew that this was not normal. Even as a child I recognized that only a mom and dad were together and had kids. And because of the high esteem I felt my family had to maintain, and the ridicule that could come to them, I decided to keep it hidden, never knowing homosexuality was an actual “thing”.

At 8 years old a miracle happened. Some evangelists came to our church for a revival. On the last night I felt the pull of the Lord to give this area of my thoughts to him following a statement by the evangelist where he said, “if you have something that no one can help you with but God, then come down and give it to him and let him in your heart.” That’s all I needed to hear because that night I couldn’t get there fast enough and had a supernatural experience with God through the Holy Spirit.

From that night on, I didn’t need to console myself through same sex fantasy, but through the next few years realized that something was still terribly wrong. I was still getting called names like girl, fag it, queer, and being physically harassed by my male peers. I had developed feminine mannerisms and vocal patterns that made my early internal turmoil public and plagued me daily. I felt unbearable shame and humiliation because I couldn’t change the way I sounded or my mannerisms enough to feel accepted. And this further ostracized me from my male peers and exponentially fueled the resurgence of same sex attraction.

By this point, I had heard bible verses of how homosexuality was a sin and at first thought I could change it, only to find that I couldn’t change these deep seated desires. You see when a God given need for same sex validation goes unmet, it doesn’t go away, it morphs into a way that can be more easily met. The world of boys was foreign, rough, and isolating for this sensitive, passive, and artistic boy. It was so much easier to fit in with the girls who were less physical, more sensitive, and aesthetic about the world. I understood them…for awhile.

I naturally found my place in the worlds of theater and competitive cheerleading. This isolated me from the masculine world and solidified my own feelings and interests. These genre’s aren’t bad, but as one can image, I was surrounded by more guys like me there, who through the years would come out of the closet one by one through my adolescence. At the same time, girls began to say things like, “yeah you can stay over, your not like the rest of guys.” I was flattered and yet felt judged as not good enough for romantic relationship. I felt like a third gender.

girls began to say things like, “yeah you can stay over, your not like the rest of guys.” I was flattered and yet felt judged as not good enough for romantic relationship. I felt like a third gender.

I was riding the fence, Christian and PK at home and at church, then struggling cheerleader and actor during daytime hours. This was mentally agonizing. Watching my friends come out was initially freeing. Then as the lifestyle set in, it was terrorizing. My friends’ personalities seemed to change quickly, they became depressed, materialistic, an catty. They stopped looking me in the eyes and were either looking at my body inappropriately or looking over my shoulder at the next guy. My heart broke as my dear friends contracted diseases and would isolate from their families and the church.

Even though I didn’t feel like it was in my nature to please God, I knew from experience that a life without him was not possible. I felt torn, old inside, a stranger, and like everyone seemed to know who I was, but me.

Eventually, I came to a breaking point. I had decided to leave the heterosexual world and go into the lifestyle. This meant I had to change colleges, reject my family and friends and move away because the mental struggle had become unbearable. I was still a virgin, but was done with it.

Then God happened. I began a friendship with a young woman at my church who had met God in a very real way. She had her own testimony of Daddy issues, possible pregnancy out of wedlock, and an inner healing that resulted from letting God into her mess. She demonstrated an unconditional love so different from cleaned up church people that I knew all my life. Little did I know that God had orchestrated this relationship and a totally different vision for my life would come as he determined it.

Well, our relationship became romantic, which was foreign to me, and we got married before I experienced any healing with was very hard. As many gays will tell you, marriage to an OSA partner doesn’t fix anything, sometimes it even exacerbates it. But, let me tell you, if you stick with God, He does change things. Based on my own experience with ex-gays, yes that’s a thing; Some of us just don’t stay with him long enough or believe what people tell us over what he says by His Spirit and his Word. Everyone whose best friend is Jesus becomes more like him. Your language changes, friends change, thoughts change, you become a new creature. Over time, I got help and healing through strong relational Christians, mentors, support groups, and the world of men. Gradually I saw that my view on the world had been twisted from a young age and I needed God to bring about drastic changes as only he could. I needed to grieve, connect with him, and connect with people the way He designed it.

The bible says:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! -2 Cor. 5:17 NIV

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. –John 15:7 NIV

When I was meeting with the best man from my wedding, we came across this verse:

1 Cor. 6:9-11. “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers with inherit the kingdom of God. And this is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.”

This was the first time I ever heard that the church was made of homosexuals that gave up their previous lifestyle for Jesus.

So while the narrative that “change never happens” is on TV and socially accepted as truth, change still exists for me and others because change and miracles are God’s specialty. Over the years, I developed stronger physical attraction for my wife than I have had for any man, I have found freedom for my identity as a child of God and peace for my mind. I have a growing family with three incredibly happy children that teach me daily how much God loves me, and now a ministry where I get to talk to people who are struggling with their sexuality and some who aren’t, but the Holy Spirit helps me to give each one something to bring more peace and freedom to them in a broken world needing redemption. While there are some who find similar healing without finding Jesus, Only He is the way, the truth and the life…and if you want those, you’ve got to repent and surrender OR there will always be something in the way of the freedom and peace you want.

I want to challenge you with the scripture.

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is, His good, pleasing and perfect will.”

And remind you that His ways are not our ways, or His thoughts, our thoughts. If your nature won’t let you into heaven, you can be born again by His Spirit and become something completely new. Then, heaven won’t be some foreign place, it will be your eternal destiny and home.

This story was submitted from MY VOICE / MY STORY form on Voice of the Voiceless (https://www.voiceofthevoiceless.info/My-Voice-My-Story)

My Story – Robin Goodspeed

Voice of the Voiceless amplifies the voices of transformed lives. Submit your story today!

Jesus Christ Freed Me From Homosexuality

Robin Goodspeed, Advisory Board Member, Former President, Voice of the Voiceless
Experiences: Formerly Identified as Lesbian, Disciple of Jesus, Healing through Jesus

My name is Robin Goodspeed. I am a grateful Christian Ex-Lesbian, Ex-Queer. I was born in the 1950s and I lived most of my adult life as a lesbian. In 2009, in my 50s, I was freed from the horrible homosexual life I lived by the grace of God and the power of Jesus Christ.

I was not born queer. I was not “born that way.” I was sexually abused in a life threatening way at the age of 2 by a female pedophile babysitter without the knowledge of my family. I was born and raised in the Midwest and came from a middle class family with a working, agnostic father and a stay-at-home, devout Christian mother. I was the oldest of three siblings. I went to school and attended church. However, as a result of being sexually abused, I suffered a nervous breakdown at the age of 13 and began a life-long battle with anger, depression, addiction, violence, and suicide. I developed crushes on female teachers and coaches. I went from being a happy, active “A” student to an angry, depressed “D” student. I knew I needed help so I went to my church youth group.

My youth pastor, instead of helping me, offered me marijuana. I knew that was not help and refused. I turned away from the church and from God and became an angry atheist. I needed help desperately, but my family could not afford, and did not believe in, therapy and I began making choices that led to a life of homosexuality.

I had my first lesbian sexual experience in college after getting drunk and waking up in bed with my best female friend. In spite of my depression, eating disorder, alcohol addiction, and suicidal thinking, I was deeply ashamed of my first lesbian encounter. In my heart of hearts I knew it was wrong. My sexual abuse driven self-loathing was so deeply rooted that I refused to speak to school counselors. I stopped going to class and purposely flunked out of that school, trying to leave my lesbian partner and lesbian desires behind. This began another dysfunctional, life-long pattern of geographical cures, but it also forced my parents to admit that I needed help and the next year I saw my first therapist, an MD psychiatrist, while I went to junior college in my home town.

However, I never talked about my lesbian experiences and lesbian desires to the therapist and only talked about my depression and compulsive overeating. The next year I went to my home state university and the shame I felt about my lesbian attractions lessened as my addictive eating, alcoholic drinking, and suicidal obsession increased. I developed compulsive attractions to female students and finally began a secret, closeted lesbian relationship with one of my sorority sisters. My alcoholic drinking and suicidal obsession escalated and many nights I would get drunk, get behind the wheel of my car with the intent of killing myself, and wake up the next morning suffering from a blackout and not remembering how I got home. I know now that it was the grace of God that kept me from killing myself and/or someone else.

I finally managed to graduate from college, but my lesbian partner left me and I struck out for another city in the Midwest, known for being homosexual-friendly, and became an “out”, angry, atheist lesbian. My depression, addiction, and suicidal obsession never left me and I sought counseling help and was told for the first time that I was “born homosexual.” This was by a lesbian therapist at the state university in that city who also tried to seduce me.

I sought out 12 Step groups, which have been called “poor man’s therapy”, because due to my dysfunctional life and dysfunctional work life, I did not have the money to seek out more professional therapy. I found the same “born homosexual” belief there and that fit well with my atheist belief system. My atheist religion worshipped at the altar of science and if a “professional” or the growing atheist culture told me that I was “born queer” then it was my DNA or my genes that were responsible for my life and my choices, not me. I also embraced the Higher Power concept of the 12 Step programs. As an atheist, I was the center of my own universe and the 12 Step programs taught me that I could make my Higher Power anything I wanted. That was code for my Higher Power being me. In spite of never finding healing or peace, I did keep from killing myself, learn to manage my misery better, and become minimally functional and productive.

I went to many counselors for depression, addiction, and suicide during the 1970’s, 80’s, and 90’s and, beginning with the lesbian counselor, every one of them told me what I have come to know now as the blatant, bold faced lie of being “born homosexual.” I received, what I now call, “Born Gay, Be Happy, Take a Pill” therapy.

On my 40th birthday, facing another suicidal crisis brought about by my emerging memories of life threatening sexual abuse, I was able to see a therapist who helped me face what had happened to me as a small child and heal the night terrors that I had suffered from for a life time. The suicidal compulsion was healed, but even this therapist, who helped me face the sexual abuse I suffered as a small child, told me “That’s who you are. You’re a homosexual.” This was while I was on suicide watch. Again, a “professional” perpetrated the lie and I embraced the lie because, as a homosexual, I was never held accountable for my choices or the damage that I did to myself and others.

I embraced the homosexual life and lived for most of 35 years as an “out” lesbian. I brought my lesbian partners to work and all work functions in the corporate world where I worked in various administrative assistant positions. I participated in homosexual rights political groups like Human Rights Campaign (HRC) as a volunteer. I was an in-your-face, dyke-on-a-bike, and rode my motorcycle in black leather with my lesbian partner in Gay Pride Parades. I helped manage a lesbian club committed to supporting the lesbian community where I lived and facilitating “hook-ups” for “late blooming” lesbians. I vacationed at homosexual resorts.

But eventual long term sobriety and multiple lesbian relationships did not bring peace or remove my deep seated shame. I never even considered confronting the lie that I was “born that way.” I became a permanent, angry, atheist homosexual victim, and in the words of the 12 Step Programs, “constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself.”

In 2007 three life changing events occurred; the breakup of another lesbian relationship, the loss of another but more lucrative job, and the death of my father. Suffering shame, guilt, and grief and with the help of another 12 Step program, Adult Children of Alcoholics, for the first time I began to honestly question whether I was “born queer.” The only person in my life, who had never surrendered to that lie, was my mother, a devout Christian. She never stopped praying for my healing, and in my heart of hearts, I knew that she was right and that I was wrong. God allowed these events, that I considered crises at the time, in order to reach me and I came to admit, eventually then emphatically, that I was not “born homosexual.”

I went back to church. At first, I attended the denomination of my childhood at a large downtown cathedral in the west coast city where I was then living. It embraced homosexuality and all of the men in the large choir, including the choir master and his partner, the main soloist, were homosexual. I began to realize that I had made choices that led to my life of homosexuality and that I and I alone, was responsible for those choices. As a permanent homosexual victim, I had made everyone and everything else responsible for my desperate unhappiness. With the death of my father, I had no one left to blame.

The last obstacles to my healing were the mountain of shame that I lived under and the paralyzing fear that I was too bad, too sinful for God to forgive me. I knew that I was going to hell because I had been living in my own hell on earth for a lifetime. I sincerely began searching for a Bible Believing Church and finally, in 2009, God led me to witness the filmed testimony of a man freed from alcoholism, drug addiction, and suicide through the power of Jesus Christ. I knew instantly that Jesus Christ could heal me of homosexuality. With tears streaming down my face, I fell to my knees in a dark, empty theatre and I asked Jesus to come into my heart and forgive me and He did. I was freed immediately from all desire to continue in the homosexual life and filled with an amazing and powerful peace.

I spent the next several years extricating myself from the lesbian prison that I had created for myself. God led me to a supportive Christian Evangelical Bible Preaching Church and Christian Singles Group where I was free to talk about my conversion experience, talk about leaving homosexuality, and share my Ex-Homosexual testimony. I adopted a very simple litmus test for any Christian church that I wanted to attend. If a Christian pastor or minister refused to state that homosexuality is a sin from the pulpit or any of the congregation refused to state that homosexuality is a sin in public, then that was not a church that I wanted to be a part of.

As an active atheist homosexual, I was a committed unrepentant sinner. As a Christian Ex-Homosexual, I knew that I was not born that way and that homosexuality is a choice, a behavior, and a sin. There is no such thing as an unrepentant, committed, active homosexual Christian. The two are mutually exclusive. For my continued healing, I left the lesbian groups, friends, and small business that I had been a part of. Through God’s grace, I was able to eventually move from the west coast to the Midwest to be closer to my mother who had become ill. God facilitated a profound healing in me and a heartfelt reconciliation between me and my mother. My mother went to her heavenly reward in 2012, but she lived to see me accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, leave the heathen homosexual life that I had chosen, and begin to speak the truth about the choice, behavior, and sin of homosexuality.

I did not choose to be sexually abused as a child, but I did choose homosexuality. I was not “born queer.” And through the grace of God and the power of Jesus Christ, today I am one of thousands of Ex-Homosexuals who have left homosexuality. There are now excellent Licensed Professional Therapists doing Reparative Therapy that help children, adults, and families heal from sexual abuse and unwanted same sex attraction.

All children, families, and adults deserve the choice to heal. Today innocent and abused children, like I was, are being deceived and enslaved in homosexuality by a growing amoral atheist culture that celebrates all promiscuity, a psychotherapy community that refuses to tell the truth about the choice and negative consequences of homosexuality, and a legal system that wants to criminalize, and then persecute for profit, the professionals trying to help. The dark design of a homosexual-driven agenda alleging reparative therapy harm intends to re-victimize children who have already been sexually abused and traumatized by sexual predators and then enslave them in the homosexual life until the age of 18, when the damage already done to them is harder to heal. This is cruel and inhumane punishment.

The natural consequences of my choice to live a homosexual life were; shame, depression, anger, addiction, disease, violence, and suicide. I never received the benefits of Professional Reparative Therapy, but the counseling and 12 Step support that I did receive kept me alive long enough for God to finally reach and heal me. When I reached out for and received His help and healing, I was freed from the hideous homosexual life that I chose and all the misery that went with it. Thousands like me have left homosexuality through the grace of God and the power of Jesus Christ. God’s forgiveness and healing are available to all.

I, and thousands like me, have been called to tell the truth about homosexuality. The foundational lie of genetic homosexuality has been perpetrated throughout western culture by the homosexual cabal with no scientific proof whatsoever. Satan is the Father of Lies and many decades of repetition of the “born that way” lie, along with a false perception and promotion of homosexual victimhood has created a justification for homosexual power and privilege, which has always been the real agenda. The truth is that there is no scientific data or proof that there is a homosexual gene or that anyone is “born homosexual.”

Homosexuality is not a civil right based on immutable factors like race or gender. (Yes, your DNA does define your immutable gender. You were born XY or XX and you cannot change it.) Homosexuality is a choice, a behavior, and a sin. The psychotherapy community knows the truth, but has been pushing the “born homosexual” lie for decades to gain political power. There is no scientific data to support a queer gene, but there are identical twin studies, among many others, that prove that homosexuality is a choice and a behavior.

I am an Ex-Homosexual and I, and thousands like me, are the living proof that homosexuality is a choice. Our goal is to speak the truth to the world that there is incredible hope and healing available to all. Anyone can choose to leave homosexuality. If you have an Ex-Homosexual story like mine, you are invited to share it here, like me, to encourage others.

This story was submitted from MY VOICE / MY STORY form on Voice of the Voiceless (https://www.voiceofthevoiceless.info/My-Voice-My-Story)

My Story – Daren Mehl

Voice of the Voiceless amplifies the voices of transformed lives. Submit your story today!

Daren Mehl, President, Voice of the Voiceless
Personal URL: www.darenmehlblog.com
Experiences: Formerly Identified as Gay, Now Identifies as Disciple of Jesus, Received Healing through Jesus

The journey from my mind to my heart took time, but has been the best journey of my life. Although I became a Christian in high school, I was living with wounds that I couldn’t even identify then. It didn’t matter because, for the most part, I had a relatively strong support system. I had a good friend Jesse who, with his mother, had befriended me and helped me to receive Jesus as Lord. As a new Christian, I believed wholeheartedly in Jesus and I wanted to follow him.

Throughout the time of living closeted and open in the gay lifestyle Jesse remained a loyal friend and is one of the miracles in my life. He continued our friendship regardless of my lifestyle choices and he chose to love me through the journey I was on. He would occasionally call me and ask me how God was doing in my life, how the Holy Spirit was working through me, how I was walking out the purposes of God in my life. Of course Jesse knew I was called to be an evangelist and share the gospel but chose for a time to live in the gay lifestyle instead. Of course Jesse knew I was in conflict deep down inside and had buried it. Jesse knew all this and believed for me, interceding for me, that my purpose would not be lost in my choice to live in a gay lifestyle. Jesse always, in the loving way I attribute to Jesus, encouraged my identity as a Christian.

Shortly after the day I graduated from high school, my step-mother, with whom I had had many conflicts, told me that I had to leave home or she would. I felt rejected, especially by my dad, who did not try to persuade my step-mother to let me stay at home while I attended a nearby college.

This is when a Christian family lived the gospel for me. The George family entered my life. Knowing I struggled with homosexuality was not a problem for them. They opened their house to me. I got to live as a roommate with their son. I felt as though I was adopted into their family. They were diligent to disciple me in our shared faith. Their son became a close accountability partner and friend. They demonstrated real Christian living through a dedicated commitment to a healthy family dynamic based on faith which would become a model for how I would one day lead my family.

I shared my struggles about same sex attraction with the George family and they lovingly supported me and my relationship with Jesus through regular prayer and counseling. We focused on holiness, wisdom and understanding of God’s plan for my life. They loved me through my journey. A foundation of encouragement for who I am in Christ that would last through my forthcoming struggle to find my identity.

I began to explore and attempt to understand the same-sex attractions I had been ignoring to this point by doing research on sexuality on the internet, chatting with gay men, reading stories of gay Christian life and the perspectives they had about scriptures related to homosexuality, and looking at gay porn. My family, the George family, and most of my Christian friends were unaware of my exploration as I kept it away from them out of a false fear of rejection.

During the 3 ½ years I lived with the Georges, I had an opportunity to work in volunteer ministry. Whenever I could, I traveled across the Midwest with an evangelist, Mr. Bassett and his family. My job was to help Mr. Basset with setting up his product table which had CD and DVD’s of his sermons, record his sermons and edit them, manage the offering, pretty much the administration work so he could just focus on people and preaching. I had the opportunity to preach during offering as well as the opportunity to be a main speaker on a mission trip to Trinidad. During the onset of my ministry however, I began to act out on my attractions to the same sex.

One time, I invited a gay friend I was hooking up with to go to feed the poor and witness for Jesus with the Bassett family’s evangelism ministry. After the second time I brought him however, the Basset family invited me over for dinner and sat me down and said, “Daren, you are like a son to us. We know that you struggle with homosexuality. Are you living this lifestyle?” I felt the conviction of God like a lightning bolt. In no uncertain terms I was told that I had to choose Jesus and denounce the gay lifestyle if I was to continue in their ministry. I loved and trusted this man and his family and came clean about what was going on. I “came out” to them and admitted I was going to bars and getting drunk as well as hooking up with guys afterward. Mr. Bassett told me in a loving way that I had to stop living a gay lifestyle if I were to assist him but to live as Scripture teaches. So, I did. I wanted to share Jesus more than I wanted to get drunk and hook up with guys. I quit drinking, quit going to the gay bars, quit hooking up with men.

I eventually moved out of the George family home. I continued to work for the Lord by helping Mr. Bassett. At the end of 3 ½ years, however, the preacher decided that he needed to work in a permanent location in order to give his family stability. In my journey, this ended a chapter of ministry work for me as well, although I thought another ministry opportunity presented itself.

My living arrangement soon changed. I had a close ‘Gay Christian’ friend who broke up with his partner and needed someone to rent part of his house. I thought I would come along side my struggling friend and move in with him and be his house mate. My thinking was that I could somehow influence my friend to drop the ‘gay’ from his identity by showing him how I lived for the Lord, how I gave up the gay lifestyle for Jesus. This kind of thinking that I could influence him based on my own efforts to be straight when I hadn’t dealt with my brokenness was like falling down, head first, on a steep slippery slope. Becoming his house mate changed the trajectory of my journey.

One late evening at the gay dance club my house mate left me on the dance floor to get himself a drink. While he was gone a hot guy took interest in me and moved in. While dancing with me he immediately became physical and that piqued my interest- my guilty interest. My house mate returned and introduced himself to my new dance partner, not as my boyfriend as was the script went to keep guys off me, but as my house mate. My house mate was clearly excited for me that this hot guy was interested in me. Several drinks later, lots of dancing with this hot guy all over me, the night began to wind down and I wasn’t sure where I was headed. My new found dance buddy engaged his charm and asked if I wanted to come to his place and hang out. I knew what that meant, and in my drunken stupor I was eager to take him up on the offer, but deep down I knew it wasn’t the right choice. I attempted to dodge the hookup offer by half-heartedly suggesting that my car was my house mate’s only ride home and so I would have to pass. A lame “Thanks but no thanks” attempt. My house mate quickly chimed in, seeming almost excited for me, that he would get a cab ride home and to not worry about him. That was all that it took for me to say “Okay, let’s go to your place and hang out.” My new friend drove us to his place. Unfortunately, we didn’t just hang out and talk for a few hours while I sobered up as I foolishly thought we would. Instead we had sex and I fell asleep in his arms. My journey took a turn toward internal conflict.

I have now compromised my faith and allowed myself to once again be physical with a man. I’ve fallen off the end of the slippery slope, off the cliff of my convictions. It was only a matter of weeks before we broke off and I found another guy to be my sex partner. This new found freedom to sleep with men was not going to be challenged for years to come. Even though I was going to gay clubs now and hooking up with guys, my desire to serve Jesus was still alive and close to my heart, although it was now buried. A small flickering flame hidden in the closet. My journey is not at an end but is about to take a turn toward God.

A couple years of loving me through conversations and frienship, Jesse invited me to go to the International House of Prayer (IHOP) in Kansas City, Missouri. On a whim, I took him up on it. I told my boyfriend of 2+ years it was just going to be a weekend church conference – for lack of better explanation- and I would be back in no time. International House of Prayer (IHOP) has a 24x7x356 prayer and worship service. It is a ministry center where Christians can go to meditate, pray, worship, and seek God in sober solitude. It is a sanctuary of holiness and peace. It was here that Jesse worked with me to pray that God would reveal his purpose for me.

I confessed I was lost in my struggle against same sex attraction. I told him it wasn’t fair that I had to go through life struggling against lust for men. It was his response that opened my eyes – like a scene where the clouds part, doves fly past you, the sunlight beams down, and angels sing a melodic song. He said that even though he is married, he is tempted with lust for other women. The Jesse that I equated to Jesus, who I though had it all together and couldn’t be tempted in any way, just admitted that he also is tempted with lust, but just with women instead of men. He told me he isn’t defined by the temptation to lust after women, that God gives him Grace to overcome the temptation. For me it became a moment of clarity. It’s just temptation. It’s not who I am. The temptation of same sex attraction doesn’t define me and I don’t have to give into it. If God gives Jesse the grace so he can live victorious over lust, then I know that God loves me as well and would give me that grace to live holy too.

Jesse then brought me to the next important question. He asked me if I believed that God wanted me to live sin free, to not live in the gay lifestyle. My answer was an emphatic “Yes!” I quickly rebounded from that excitement with fear and pain. I was in a 2+ year relationship with a man I deeply loved and cared for and couldn’t imagine life without. As my Christian ethic was getting the best of me, I told Jesse that I am “committed” in this relationship. I’m sure heavenly wisdom descended on Jesse at this point when he suggested we give that issue to God. I prayed to God that if He really did want me to be straight, that being gay really is a sin, that He needed to solve the quandary I was in- that God had to address my relationship with my boyfriend.

Confessing I wanted out of the gay lifestyle wasn’t enough for Jesse. Jesse then asked me a final question. He asked me to tell him what woman I would want to marry. Being a bit surprised that he assumed there was a woman in my circle of gay friends that would even come close to marriage quality, I thought about it a second. Then I realized there was a woman that I was quite interested in being close friends with, and if I wasn’t gay, I would be interested in dating or even marrying. I had just never thought of our relationship in that context. I told Jesse, “If God wants me to be straight and not gay, and that I should get married, I would want to marry Rhoda.”

Little did I know God was more interested in my life than Jesse and would answer immediately.

When I returned from IHOP I received devastating news. My boyfriend decided to break up with me. No explanation. I was heartbroken over it, and furious at God for what I knew was His plan. I spent the next 2 years rebelling against what God was doing in me.

Of course, it’s hard to run from God. Even in my rebellion God had the path laid out for me. After our 18 month lease was up with my ex-boyfriend we parted our ways. Yes, that’s right, I had just moved in and had to live with my ex-boyfriend for 18 months. That was my punishment. The only mercy was that we had separate rooms.

I acted out my frustration by hooking up with guys and continuing to build gay friendships and looking for peace in all the wrong places. All the time Rhoda was there as a friend, hanging out with me, helping me through the struggle of being single, being lonely, struggling with my Christian faith and sexuality. The thought of marrying her was tucked back behind my priority of dealing with losing my boyfriend.

I ended up in my own place and Rhoda visited more often. Even though I had a regular on-the-side guy for physical attention, I found myself becoming emotionally attracted to Rhoda.

One evening two worlds collided. My journey started to get complicated. I had double booked Rhoda and the guy-on-the-side. Not wanting to cancel on either of them for fear of offense, I decided to give in and just have them both over. The dinner included small talk, and as Rhoda’s boisterous character came out things really lightened up and became enjoyable. As we transitioned to watching the show, Rhoda grabbed the chair and me and the guy took the couch but set apart. I was too afraid to cuddle him in front of her and he took note. Things were clearly going to be different tonight. Little did I know this scene was a juxtaposition that God had setup to make something much more evident to me.

Normally the evening would end with the guy and me going to my room for the evening. But tonight Rhoda was here. Now what? I would have to pick who I was going to ask to go home. Either Rhoda goes home and I have a great night with the guy, or the guy goes home and our relationship is over. There it was. I could barely pay attention to the show. The suspense of how the evening would end was tearing me up. It hit me in a surreal way. I looked at Rhoda for a while as she was facing the TV and in line of my sight. I realized that I want Rhoda more than I want to have sex with this guy. I want Rhoda more than I want to be in a gay relationship. I want to date Rhoda. How on earth? Inconceivable! What the heck just happened? After the episode was done my guy-on-the-side stood up and said, “well, what a great night. I think it’s time for me to go home.” That was the last time I saw him. Thank God it happened that way.

Rhoda and I ended up falling in love, and when I proposed she said yes, despite everything she knew about my past and where I was in my struggle with my sexuality. I told her that I could be faithful to her, and I meant it. After we got married God directed us to a new home church. Our faith grew in this church and God brought a man into my life. God’s plan for this man was for him to be an example of a godly man, to be a spiritual brother and friend, to be one who would come along side and encourage me in my faith journey to discover the identity God had intended for me. Our relationship becomes a David and Jonathan story. My journey takes on a new truth.

Jimmy had been hired as a grounds person and a technology tech problem solver for our church. I had been a volunteer on the core team managing the technology before Jimmy joined. Together, over several years, we had developed a very strong bond working technology projects and seeking Jesus together. We prayed together regularly, at least once a week, and we shared our everyday struggles with all kinds of issues. Jimmy and I thought of each other as accountability partners and spiritual brothers. We would pray for each other whenever we were struggling in our spiritual lives and in our everyday weaknesses, be it issues with anger, pride, jealousy, lust, bitterness, un-forgiveness, etc. When we would pray we would look to scripture for guidance. His support was crucial to helping me remain strong in my marriage, to be a humble servant leader to my wife Rhoda.

Rhoda became pregnant which was part of our dream to build a family. Life was good. I was true to her for seven years before I ultimately fell to sin due to sexual brokenness neither of us had addressed. I had been away on a business trip when temptation overcame me on the last day of the trip and I cheated on Rhoda by being intimate with a man. Not a good experience in my journey.

When I told Jimmy about what had happened, it was because I trusted him completely. That trust overcame the fear of losing him as a friend. We had been correcting and encouraging each other in love in Christ for so long, that I knew deep down I could reveal anything to him, including cheating on my wife. We had a spiritual brotherhood and love for each other which drove a determination to hold each accountable to the purpose of God in our lives. Together we prayed over this issue.

Our approach in accountability, friendship, brotherhood, was that we wanted to be like Jesus. For the years we practiced accountability, we discussed sins including lying, anger, and lust. We would then pray about the promises and commands of Scripture regarding purity and holiness. Now that I had cheated on my wife, things got serious.

The book A Covenant with my Eyes by Bob Sorge (See My Book List) gave us a concrete way to deal with temptation. Jimmy and I agreed to keep an eye covenant with God. This meant that if we saw someone whom we found attractive, we would not look again. This is the scripture basis for that covenant. “I have made a covenant with my eyes; why then should I look upon a young woman?” Job 31:1. With this covenant I was able to reconcile with my wife and begin the rewiring of my brain to end the battle over lust.

Visit Job 31 Ministries The Wretched and Wrecked Podcast where I was interviewed and shared more about my journey.

But the battle Jimmy was helping me with nearly ended just as I got the eye covenant in place. The enemy tried to break me away from our friendship by using a horrible fear against me. I felt like I was about to hit a dead end in my journey.

A couple years earlier Jimmy had begun regularly going to the gym. By this point his efforts were beginning to manifest in a strong and defined body. I became afraid I would become attracted to him and the enemy would steal the pure and intimate brotherhood I had formed with him. I did not want to lose my friendship with Jimmy and so I wanted to beat the temptation to the punch. I did not want to lust over my spiritual brother. With humility and honesty, I shared my fear with Jimmy. We discussed the issue at length and prayed over it. Over the next couple days God revealed to me that I had been feeling inferior to men who were muscular because I wasn’t and that I had been made fun of for it. Well defined and muscular kind of men were the types of men who were tempting for me to lust over. God gave Jimmy the answer to how to help me get over this brokenness, although I wasn’t sure what to make of it. With the Eye Covenant in place for both of us, God is about to move us both into a new chapter.

Jimmy told me that I should work out with him. When I told him that the gym was a place I avoided because of the problem of temptation, he told me that I should still work out but keep faith in my Eye Covenant. Even with the eye covenant, I was a bit afraid. I often kept my eyes laser focused on Jimmy so I wouldn’t look elsewhere. I eventually became more comfortable with the gym as I was looking lean and seeing results myself. My self-confidence and masculine identity was being healed. I had power over my image and Jimmy was there encouraging me and helping me work out. The male affirmation of my masculine identity added to my confidence in who God created me to be. This confidence gave me a sense of masculinity that I had not felt before. I felt like any of the other guys at the gym, a guy who was out to look and feel healthy, masculine and handsome.

Jimmy had told me about a book that could help me. It was called Wild at Heart by John Eldrich. Frequently I would be at the gym doing my hour workout on the elliptical and I would listen to an audio version of the book. The more I listened to the book, the more I found myself tearing up. The book evoked memories of which I had been repressing for most of my life. It was like looking at a train wreck. I didn’t like what I was seeing, but I couldn’t help it. The longer I listened to the book, the more I visualized past experiences. It got so bad that I ended up leaving the gym and bawling my eyes out in the car.

One of the memories that came into play was a scene from my freshman year. I had felt pretty good about myself and my masculinity when one of the girls at school agreed to go to a dance with me. I remember feeling so awesome that I was going out with a girl and that everyone would know about it. I walked over to the girls house on the night of the dance and waited in the den and played Nintendo.

When my date and two of her friends came downstairs, I was immediately confronted by all three of them. “We’re going by ourselves,” they said. I dropped the Nintendo handset as they literally cornered me, pushing me down to where I was sitting with my back against the wall. As they were doing this, they were saying, “Did you really think that any girl would go out with you?” “You’re nothing but a queer.” “No girl would go out with you!”

I remember running all the way home. When I got home, I fell into the arms of my step-mother. Her comforting words were, “Go to your room. I don’t want to listen to this.” From that moment on, I looked at girls and women in a totally different light.

My journey of healing continued. Another memory that God brought to my attention for healing while listening to Wild at Heart was a vivid replay of a confrontation with my step-mother. I was 16 years old and my step-mother was out-of-control mad at me. She was yelling, and she also cornered me. “You’re good for nothing. You can’t do anything right. You’re stupid. You’ll never amount to anything,” she yelled. I was righteously indignant, and I said, “Shut up!” I pushed her away, and she said, “You can’t talk to me like that.” She commanded, “Go to your room. Wait until your father comes home!” I couldn’t wait for my dad to come home so I could tell him how mean, cruel and verbally abusive she had been to me. When my dad approached me, however, he told me, “You had no right to talk to your stepmother like that. You have to respect her.” That day, my masculinity died. I realized then and there that there that I was worthless. My mom had left me, my step-mom hated me, girls had ridiculed me, (I perceived that all women reject me) and now my dad had chosen to defend his wife instead of protecting me and stopping her verbal abuse against my character.

The book Wild at Heart had explained that men are supposed to go through life as the biblical David did. Men go through stages in life as being cowboys, warriors, lovers, king, and then sage. I learned that I had never been a warrior, I was still a cowboy. I had never fought for anything, not even for my own pride. I had been repeatedly told by my dad, “If someone punches you, don’t punch back. Don’t get into any trouble. Avoid confrontations.” So, I just took all of the physical and verbal abuse that came my way. Dad’s advice, though perhaps the “high road” was not instilling manly power in me, but robbing it from me.

Throughout this journey, I continued to share with Jimmy what the Lord was doing for me on the inside. We looked upon this release of emotions as a type of healing.

Jimmy continued being what he had always been towards me, a Christian man who held me as an equal and a friend, a man who was vulnerable enough to show me a man’s complete range of emotions. By being real and transparent to me, Jimmy modeled righteous anger, something I had never felt able to do. He modeled manly weeping about his grief for losses he had experienced. This affirmed me for having cried in the car. He modeled manly love for a brother with manly agapé-type hugs that reached down into the depths of my needy man-soul. He gave me the physical brotherly affection that I had craved as a child and teen. He affirmed by body image which returned my dignity to me. He modeled for me what it meant to be a husband, father, a strong man, and a godly man. I knew that my role was to serve and protect my wife and children. In short, he modeled what it was to be fully male.

As I look back on my transformation journey, I know that the Lord placed Jesse and his mother, the George family, the Bassett family, Jimmy and Rhoda into my life for a purpose. They were the helpers I would need to accept God’s Fatherly love for me. I love upon Jesse and Jimmy as my super-hero servants. Because Jesse, Jimmy and I relied on the Lord to lead us on our journeys to Him, I know now that my relationship with God is as his son, his real son. I not only believe this intellectually, I live it. My masculinity finds itself in my very thoughts, in my words and in my actions. I have been given grace over same-sex attraction as they no longer have power over me. That stronghold has been loosened by the working of the Holy Spirit and made powerless by God’s grace. I praise God who has healed me of my brokenness and brought me to the heights of gender self-actualization.

This portion of my testimony was presented in Achieving Heterosexuality by Marie Davidson, M.Ed.

This story was submitted from MY VOICE / MY STORY form on Voice of the Voiceless (https://www.voiceofthevoiceless.info/My-Voice-My-Story)