Response to UN Request For Input on Conversion Therapy

Response to UN CT

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Dear Independent Expert,

Your request for information suffers from an immediate case of the fallacy of equivocation. Your definition of Conversion Therapy (“C.T.”) conflates anything and everything that could possibly relate to a change in sexual orientation or desistence or detransition from a gender identity incongruent with one’s sex. This results in being in an incredibly difficult position to be able to discuss the nuances necessary to intelligently understand this topic.

Your definition of C.T.:

  1. any purported treatment having the objective or presenting itself with the objective to change a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity.
  2. gay cure
  3. Reparative therapy
  4. ex-gay therapy
  5. sexual orientation change efforts
  6. religious and spiritual interventions
  7. smartphone app-sponsored programs offering a 60-day “gay cure”
  8. some licensed medical professionals
  9. psychologists
  10. administering of cognitive-behavioral therapies
  11. drugs
  12. physical interventions
    1. electric shock treatment
    2. aversion techniques


Henceforth, when we use the term C.T. as broadly as you have, we will also use sufficient detail as needed to insure we are able to speak to the nuances you’re missing. To become an “expert” on this topic, you should be very precise as to which types of approaches in the broad group of C.T. you are discussing.

You stated that “recipients of these treatments include lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans and gender diverse people, ranging from children to adults.” In reality, clients who voluntary seek C.T. do not embrace such LGBTQ identities. Recipients of these treatments identify as heterosexual individuals struggling with unintentionally eroticized same sex attractions or egodystonic homosexuality. The married heterosexual man who, out of curiosity (questioning), discovered gay porn and became addicted but decided it wasn’t for him and needs help to end the destructive behavior to save his marriage. Or the male child who had no inclination toward same-sex erotic behavior but was sexually abused by a man from the ages of 5 to 15 and has neuroplastic-induced reorientation of erotic attraction and thus desires to resolve those issues to return to his authentic heterosexual self. There is a large community of such people who have had positive outcomes from the use of certain types of C.T. See

“The report will explore the human rights implications of these practices and interrogate their relationship with violence and discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity. It will discuss the forms and scope of “conversion therapy” (hereinafter, “C.T.”) as it is practiced across the globe, its impact on the persons that are subjected to it, measures adopted to prevent its practice and to penalize or prosecute those who perform it, and remedies provided to injured parties. Finally, the report will formulate recommendations.”

The human rights of this issue are not limited to just the violence and discrimination reported by individuals. The human rights of this issue also include the right to self-determination (which is one of the foundational ethical principles in psychotherapy) and the free practice of religion. Individuals have the right to seek out therapies, religious practices, and other practices to address their outcome goals. Your request for information should be widened as there are more human rights to consider related to C.T. (By your own definition it includes religious practice and speech.)

Claims of persons being involuntarily subjected to C.T. are highly suspect and likely exaggerated. The majority of clients obtaining C.T. willingly seek it out and go through standard informed consent procedures. Many people seek assistance to address known or believed incongruency between their sexual orientation or gender identity and their religious beliefs or understanding of their authentic self. Preventing access to desired practices of C.T. would in itself be a human rights violation.

“The information-gathering process will also include a literature review and expert meeting, a consultation, and possibly a survey.”

I would recommend that you review literature from and from as these present specific research information and testimonies, respectively, that you have likely not reviewed as they are regularly censored from coverage in media or search engines. If you create a survey, we recommend you include the possibility of positive outcomes of therapy or counseling, religious practice, and note that some people seek it out rather than are forcibly subjected to it. After all, they have human rights as well.

“These practices appear to be based on the assumption that seeking to change a person’s sexual orientation and/or gender identity deviating from what is seen as the norm in a particular time and a particular place is an acceptable societal, community, family and personal objective.”

Assuming the motivations are limited to seeking norms, i.e. statistical commonness, ignores any moral imperatives from a person’s religious beliefs and/or cultural beliefs. Aligning your behaviors and identity to your religious convictions as a personal objective for practices of C.T. is a human right.

“Forms of “C.T.” have been condemned by world health associations[1], United Nations entities[2] and human rights mechanisms such as the Committee against Torture, which have expressed that the practice can amount to torture, cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment.[3] It appears to produce long-lasting negative effects on individuals subjected to the practice, as it can lead to physical and deep psychological harm, such as depression, anxiety, drug use, homelessness, and suicide.[4] It also appears that children under legal age are especially vulnerable to it.”

Your definitions of “C.T.” include some behaviors which could be regarded as torture, such as electro-shock.  However, other therapeutic modalities listed previously do not exhibit this property.  Trying to group the beneficial and effective forms of therapy with the ineffective or harmful forms is merely the fallacy of equivocation, where the definition of “C.T.” changes from one use to another.  Additionally, you’re making an argument to authority, another fallacy, rather than based on conclusive or nuanced research. As stated previously, please visit for more nuanced and decisive statements.

“In a few countries, such as in Malta and Ecuador,[6] [Conversion Therapy] is considered a criminal practice.”

In Malta, we can see the immediate effects of a poorly executed C.T. ban. Like your own practice of broadly defining C.T. to include anything and everything that addresses human sexuality or gender identity. Take the following example[1]:

Matthew Grech raised controversy after his audition on the musical talent show X Factor, where he used his pre-audition interview to explain how he had led a “homosexual lifestyle” in the past, but had then “found God”.

The Government in fact released a statement following the airing of the show, condemning any “homophobic” comment and said that the broadcast of such a clip did great damage and put at risk many youths who are vulnerable for gay conversion practices.

Malta has conflated life experience, religious beliefs, and personal testimony with C.T. when they discriminated against the religious beliefs and personal testimony of the television talent show contestant Matthew Grech. He shared his experience of a change in sexual orientation which he attributed to faith. They misconstrued his experience as “Conversion Therapy.”  The Malta government went as far as to say that children exposed to his testimony may be harmed.

“Even though “C.T.” seems to be widespread, information on the subject is insufficient. There is little systematized knowledge on:

  • The social norms, beliefs and systems that underlie the practice;
  • The consequences of these practices on victims; and
  • Good and best practices in legislations, jurisprudence and public policy in relation to these practices.”

Your view of “C.T.” being widespread may be due to your over-broad definition of the term, which is itself merely a strawman argument. We recommend reviewing, which is full of information that is sufficient to show therapies are helpful and research in this field is extensive and productive.

The characterization of “C.T.” as the singular “the practice,” is in error.  Your definition of “C.T.” in fact includes many disparate practices. Your belief that social “norms” underlie “the practice” is itself also an unfounded assumption. It is not “norms” which guide beneficial and effective therapies and therapeutic techniques. In some cases, such as Christianity for the religiously motivated (such as Matthew Grech or myself) direct commands from the Apostles, such as 2 Peter 1:5-7, seem to be conflated as C.T.

If you want to ensure all human rights are protected by your report, you should also research the benefits of these practices on people who seek them out.

Your title of “expert” of “human rights” will not be justified until you include those who have experienced change of sexual orientation or desisted or detransitioned from a transgender identity. Voice of the Voiceless ([email protected]) can provide a delegation from our former LGBTQ+ identified community to speak on our life experiences. We can also provide licensed mental health professionals to speak to the practices which are not torturous or harmful but quite beneficial and effective to those seeking them.

The United States Constitution provides easily systemized knowledge on the best practice of disallowing far-reaching governments from interfering with religious exercise.

“The consultation process aims at gathering information on the above mentioned areas through input from all relevant stakeholders, for the ultimate goals of raising awareness and supporting effective State measures through identifying best practices in legislations, jurisprudence and public policy, as well as shortcomings and discrepancies with human rights norms, in relation to “C.T.” To inform my report, I am seeking inputs with information, data and views from all relevant stakeholders…”

Relevant stakeholders MUST include those who have willingly benefitted by effective religious practices and therapeutic modalities you’ve lumped into C.T. To leave out the formerly homosexually identified individual who has had a change in sexual orientation, or the de-transitioned or desisted individual would be a failure of your report to reflect the entire truth and represent all the individuals impacted by your report. An intentional oversight of our stakeholder community would disqualify anyone having the title of “expert” on C.T. and leave your report as another form of propaganda feeding the bigotry against us, resulting in further denial of our human rights.

“Are there definitions adopted and used by States on practices of so-called “conversion therapy”? If so, what are those definitions and what was the process through which they were created or adopted?”

The ones we’ve seen are uselessly broad and are very ineffective to prevent harm. The definitions are sufficiently vague so as to include items which are sought out and used beneficially. As stated previously, the lazy use of a broad and vague statements to define C.T. will have negative impacts on our community’s human rights.

“What are the current efforts by States to increase their knowledge of practices of so-called “conversion therapy”?  Are there efforts to produce information and data on these practices?”

States are restricting their ability to understand these practices by not including the voices of those who have benefitted from some of the “C.T.” techniques you’ve grouped in with the negative “C.T.” Many people have been helped by talk therapy and religious practices. Please review,,, and for examples of voices that are being censored by states.

“What kinds of information and data are collected by States to understand the nature and extent of so-called “conversion therapies” (e.g. through inspections, inquiries, surveys)?”

None. There is no evidence in the United States of an epidemic of “conversion therapy” going on with licensed therapists. For example, in Minnesota, “The MN Board of Marriage & Family Therapy has not issued a disciplinary or corrective action order where conversion therapy was a relevant fact. Accordingly, there is no public Board finding or determination addressing conversion therapy.[2]” These therapy bans seem to be preemptive based on hysteria of an imaginary epidemic of aggressive conversion therapists coercing clients.

Voice of the Voiceless has found no evidence that any data on information addressing the training or educational materials describing techniques, steps or processes in a therapeutic modality described by those materials as “Conversion Therapy.”  Therefore, we suggest re-framing the investigation into specific techniques or modalities which have been proven to be harmful.

Has there been an identification of risks associated with practices of so-called “conversion therapy”?

There are indisputable harms caused by some of the practices lumped under the term “C.T.”  However, other modalities lumped under this term have been investigated for client-reported harm, finding equal or lower rates corresponding to typical client-reported harm rates from other forms of licensed therapies.  Of note, most client-reported harm of beneficial and effective therapeutic modalities fell into the category of increased awareness of one’s own emotions, which many therapists consider to be an intermediary step in the healing process. By the APA’s own admission in the 2009 taskforce report, there is insufficient rigorous data on modern forms of SOCE to show harm. (Page 42[3])

Broader statutory rules or administrative policies to ensure accountability of health care and other providers

Currently the laws in some states are preventing health insurance companies from reimbursing individuals who seek help to reconcile eroticized same-sex attractions with their faith, or even address abuse related to same-sex experiences, even though those insurance policies cover other psychological services.  This is a violation of their human rights for equal access to healthcare. Restricting the healthcare for individuals seeking it could lead to further depression and suicidal ideation.



Are there any State institutions, organizations or entities involved in the execution of practices of so-called conversion therapy? If so, what criteria have been followed to consider these as a form of valid State action?

Organizations are performing “sex change” surgeries on individuals or recommending untested hormone treatments for minors. This is the true definition of conversion therapy, which is harmful.

There is no scientific data to prove that homosexual attractions or behaviors are biologically determined or that sexual orientation is immutable. There is research indicating sexual orientation can change[4] and not a viable category for rights.



[3] APA Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation. (2009). Report of the Task Force on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.


UN Request for Input


Achieving Heterosexuality Censored By Amazon

We received information from the author of the book, Achieving Heterosexuality: A Universal, Scientific, and Faith-Based Perspective

The book has been removed from Kindle and Amazon. The notice from Amazon

To which the author replied with the following text:

With the prevaricating LGBTQ narrative, it is difficult to understand what is and what is not objectionable. On the one hand, experts such as Dr. Lisa Diamond (APA) definitely state that sexuality is FLUID. This means that sexuality may flow from heterosexuality to homosexuality, BUT it also means that homosexuality can flow to heterosexuality. As a matter of fact, it usually goes from homosexuality to heterosexuality. (Ask Lisa Diamond). If you read the book, Achieving Heterosexuality, you will find that it is the most compassionate of books, offered to those who want to explore the fluidity of their attractions. The book also attests to individuals’ first person testimonials about their journeys, many of which refer to their faith in Jesus Christ. To deem this book as offensive is to deny me my constitutional rights of freedom of religion and freedom of speech.

It sounds to me that Amazon is bowing down to the demands of extreme LGBTQ who deem any idea/belief contrary to theirs as hate speech. When one bows down to the demands (not based on science but on propaganda) and silences free speech, Amazon stands alongside Hitler who controlled what could be read by burning books that mainly told the truth. It wasn’t Hitler’s truth, so those books must have been evil. How can Amazon think they are any different?

In case you want to know why I wrote this book, it is because children are the target of many sexual crimes, and many have developed UNWANTED same sex attraction because of their victimhood. Think about your own son or daughter. If they had been raped (repeatedly) as children by a same-sex adult, would you just tell them that they are gay, like it or not? With legislators “voting” away their right to affirm their heterosexuality through heterosexual affirming therapies, these youngsters are being raped twice. That Amazon would renounce any balanced viewpoint, which, by the way, is based on indisputable fact-check-able data and allow ONLY the views of the LGBTQ is an abuse of power and another crime against these children and young adults.

And we all know what Orwell said about the abuse of power…but, will you still selling his books if we start using what he said against you? Amazon’s action in removing my book and books like mine is just the beginning of a socialist, dictatorship by those in power. By removing these books, Amazon is raping children and young adults again. Without our books, they may never know that change is possible.

I challenge those in authority to read my book, to read the bitter stories of those who lived unhappily in the gay lifestyle, to see the results of therapy that uncovers the wounds of childhood, and to see the journeys of those who did authentically use the mind’s ability to FLUIDLY move towards heterosexuality.

This response was received by Amazon:

Help us send your support to reverse Amazon’s decision to censor alternative views on homosexuality, Christian testimony, Christian discipleship, and scientific exposition.

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Voice of the Voiceless Calls on Gay California Senator to Listen to Former Homosexuals!

Christopher Doyle, 703-367-0894
[email protected]

Voice of the Voiceless Calls on Gay California Senator to Listen to Former Homosexuals!
Ex-Gays Call for Assembly Member Low to Listen, Stop
Discriminating Against Formers in His Own Community

Washington, D.C. — Last Friday (August 31, 2018), gay-identified California Assembly Member Evan Low withdrew AB 2943 from consideration on the last day of the California legislature. The bill, which would have defined all attempts to help clients reduce or eliminate unwanted same-sex attractions or gender identity conflicts (through paid counseling — whether licensed or unlicensed) as “consumer fraud.” The bill had previously sailed through the Senate easily on party lines, and was expected to also pass the Assembly. But Low decided to halt the bill from moving forward so he could reach a broader consensus, citing “productive conversations” he held from members of the faith community.

Low said:

“I was heartened by the conversations. A number of religious leaders denounced conversion therapy and recognized how harmful the practice is . . . I left those productive conversations feeling hopeful. I believe every person who attended these meetings left with a greater understanding for the underlying reason and intention of this bill to create a loving and inclusive environment for all. However, I believe there is still more to learn . . . The best policy is not made in a vacuum and in order to advance the strongest piece of legislation, the bill requires additional time to allow for an inclusive process not hampered by legislative deadlines.”

However, what remains to be shared by Low is who those meetings were with, and if he is also willing to listen to the dozens of former homosexuals that testified in Sacramento that his bill would have discriminated against and denied their existence. Voice of the Voiceless President Daren Mehl reacted:

“I don’t see any evidence of Low traveling up and down the state. Could he please elaborate? Please publish your agenda, the locations, and the people you met with. Why didn’t you post any of these meetings or summaries of the discussions you had on social media? Which faith leaders? Ones that were opposing or supporting the bill? Were you driving around to gather support, or to work across the aisle? I see no evidence of the latter. Low says he was “heartened by the conversations he heard in these meetings” because it ensured that those people he spoke with understood all the “trauma he went through as a child, and the personal reasons why he was pushing this bill.” So in essence, his meetings were not to listen but to sell members of the faith community on how the intention of the bill is to create an inclusive LGBT community as the defacto, only answer to anyone who questions their sexuality. But that’s not inclusive!

Mehl went onto describe how Low could really be more inclusive:

I’m not sure Low is in a place that he is willing to learn from our former homosexual community of Christians. The vacuum left by his pride is preventing an entire community from participating in conversations. For example, he has not mentioned once, anywhere, about the formers in the “once gay” community. Until all of our issues with this bill are addressed and the narrative around “conversion therapy” is cleaned up from being the straw-man it is, his efforts will always lead to a weak piece of legislation, one that strong arms people into his own LGBT community identity and lifestyle choices.

Mehl continued:

By stating the bill requires additional time, Low is committing to bring it right back instead of acknowledging that he simply ran out of time to jam this bill through. He was not expecting the organized and highly engaged church communities and ex-gay community to be so vocal and politically engaged. The evangelicals showed up and it proved too much for the Democrats that he didn’t want to run with it before mid-term elections. In fact, when the hundreds of former homosexuals and members of the faith community showed up in Sacramento to testify, staff at the Capitol remarked they had never seen so many people show up to oppose ANY issue. Low’s path towards “full equality” needs to also include former homosexuals and the rights of individuals with unwanted same-sex attractions and gender identity conflicts to receive the help they desire. Otherwise, his words are simply empty rhetoric.”


Please e-mail us to interview Daren Mehl, former homosexual and President of Voice of the Voiceless. The mission of Voice of the Voiceless is to defend the rights of former homosexuals, individuals with unwanted same-sex attraction, and their families. We also support the faith-based community and work actively in the United States to defend the constitutional rights of all Americans to share their views of homosexuality in the public forum.

For more information on Voice of the Voiceless, visit:

My Story – Marianne Bernadette Pillai

Voice of the Voiceless amplifies the voices of transformed lives. Submit your story today!

Marianne Bernadette Pillai’s Testimony

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Experiences: Formerly Identified as Transgender, Disciple of Jesus, Healing through Jesus

His Cross Changed My Transgendered Life

Now let me tell you of a wonderful thing or a miracle that happened to my life that changed my whole self back to my original gender a FEMALE.

I was born as a female. I am 33. My name is Marianne Bernadette Pillai from Malaysia. God made me a female as He said in Genesis 1:27 “So God created man in His own image, in the image of God created he Him; male and female created He them” and in Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the belly I knew you and before you came forth out of the womb I sanctified you.”

But I didn’t know all this at first because I didn’t know the truth about His word. All along I thought God was wrong or He made a mistake in creating me as a female. I hated myself because I thought girls can’t be like boys. They can’t live freely like boys. And I thought my parents didn’t love me and they wanted a boy in their life. I started dressing up like a boy at the age of 11 (just to please my parents). Off and on in my life of 20 years I was confused about myself. Whether I was a male or a female. I kept changing my outfit. For sometime I was a boy & for sometime I was a girl.

Then when I was working in Genting Highlands in 2006 when I was 21, I finally decided to be a boy. Yes. A major change in my life. I started dressing up as a male, putting on male clothes, cut my hair really short & I walked like a male. And I lived like a male. So I thought life would be easy being a boy. I was wrong. There were people who were disgusted with my appearance once they got to know my birth name (I was known as Andy). My family started to distance themselves away from me. Girls were after me though but it was for a little while. I started to get angry with God. I started questioning Him “Why did you created me? Why are you putting my life like this? Why was I born?”. I started blaming God for everything I did. But I didn’t know what was in store for me as He said in John 3:16 “For God so loved the world so much that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believe in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

I started drinking alcohol, I started taking drugs, I became violent, I was involved in gangsterism and I tried committing suicide many times. I was so hateful of myself. I started believing God didn’t exist at all. I was so depressed of “love failure” with a girl.

Then on the 18th May 2013 I decided to change my gender into a “man”. I did lots of research on this steroid called Testosterone. Just to please myself. It’s a substance of drug illegal in Malaysia used by many transgenders who wants to change their gender. I was so happy about it & got it illegally from a supplier. It was cheap for RM20. Every 3 weeks I had to endure the pain of suffering just to change my gender. It took me 1 year to see the difference.

And so during my time as a transgender (female to male), I was involved in many activities regarding the LGBT community. I thought maybe God understood my situation and I took it so lightly… I was helping the community without realizing the truth that God was actually showing me in Leviticus 20:13 “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination.” I didn’t know that. And still I was taking it lightly. So my life was just enjoyment. Let me make it short.

I was living in Penang, Malaysia when all this events of my life as a transgender took place. I was enjoying life as a male. Going out with friends, clubbing, got myself drunk and was on drugs most of the time. The drug that got me addicted was methamphetamine or “ice”. Off and on I’ll go back to my hometown in Taiping to visit my family thinking it was okay that they would accept me as a male. Without knowing, both of my aunties (mum’s side) talked to me about God and His Son Jesus Christ and how He died for me to save my soul and sins. Many times I tried running away from them and God, thinking God understood my situation. But they never gave up bringing me back. I followed them to church and frequently attended services. They were showing God’s love to me but I was still not happy about what’s going on.

Then I went back to Penang and didn’t feel like going back anymore because I thought they couldn’t accept my transition. So I carried on with my lifestyle and I was doing things against God’s will. This time I was hungry and thirsty for God. I wanted Him so badly. I wanted love but I didn’t know how to reach Him. I was frustrated and the only solution was dying. I was so addicted with this drug called methamphetamine. But I was still thinking “I’m a Christian la, I already received Christ and salvation. He will understand. I go to church and I read His word so He will understand.” I was wrong. I took God lightly.

Then one night as I was asleep, I had this weird dream and it was all words from the Bible. There was this particular scripture that came to me Revelation 2:5 “Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen and REPENT and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou REPENT.” I awoke at 5 in the morning, got up, took my bible read the words and I felt my heart just pierced in with guilt. I didn’t take the words seriously because I didn’t want to know. I put aside the bible and went back to sleep. These words was still pondering my mind until the day I went back to Taiping and attended Sunday service at the church I was going. It was in 2015 that the Holy Spirit convicted me again through our pastor and confirmed me with Revelation 2:5.

I was shocked and turned to my aunties and told them “I dream of this scripture pastor is saying. How come?” I was in total shock. Because the night before my church pastor confirmed this scripture, I was really guilty about it and told my aunty. All she said was confess all your sins to God because it says in 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I didn’t know how to do it. So she said “When we were from the other church, we will confess our sins to the priest but not God. What can they do? Can they forgive our sins? No right? Only God can. So go and do it. Confess your sins only to God. Just between you and God.” So I did that before I went to bed. I confessed all my sins without leaving one. Then, I had this dream the night before that I was vomiting out slimy mucus from my mouth. And both my aunties were praying over me. I directed one of them to go straight to my wallet and take out my late Grandmother’s photo.

I woke up and called out JESUS! And told my aunty the dream. She did exactly what I saw in my dream. The minute she rebuked the photo and tore it off, I felt such a relief. My body was so light! So the meaning of my dream was, God and the Holy Spirit was working in me cleansing out all my sins because I obeyed His Word. The slimy mucus was my sins. And the photo was instead of speaking to God and loving Him more, I did the opposite of speaking to my late grandmother and loving her. My body was so light and I really felt like she is really dead. Then later the same night I was attacked by the enemy because I was against him and going to God. I awoke again and called my other aunty to come pray for me. I was filled with the Holy Spirit praying continuously until 7 in the morning, got ready to church and that’s when my church pastor revealed the scripture to me. I tell you God is great. He does wonders in my life. I encountered with Him many times through scriptures, dreams and miracles (heard His voice and felt His presence)

Then when all this occurred, I was still appearing as a male. Then one day on March 2015, our church pastor was talking about “Breaking the family curses.” He was teaching us if we want to be free from the curses, we need to repent. As we knelt down on that Wednesday night and confessed our sins again (I didn’t complete it properly) and repent, I woke up from where I was kneeling, told my aunty “Aunty, I’m going to shave my facial hair tomorrow.” She didn’t believe. I did it the next day. Believe it or not? I walked out of the bathroom clean shave! She on the other hand was praising and thanking God for the miraculous change in me. Then I decided no more being a male and stopped injecting Testosterone (I also quit smoking, taking drugs and drinking alcohol). I’ve already broken the curse and I’m not doing it anymore. She was so happy! My dad saw me for the first time after I shaved and he was so happy he almost cried. I was shy at first going out in public after the major change back into a female.

Turning back was not a mistake in my life. I am happy with the changes of my life. The first thing I was excited was getting my menses (female cycle) back. I was excited about it coming. I overjoyed and Praise the Lord for the miracle He gave me. I may end up facing persecution by the Transgenders and Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual community in Malaysia just because I changed. Messages were coming in with questions to why I change? Was it because I had to please my family? Was I okay? Was I threatened? Was it temporary or permanent? My answer to them was just “I fear God, I repented and I did it to please Him. Not people. And my changes was my own will. Nobody forced me. Repent for He loves you.”

But I was getting negative feedback from them. I wasn’t bothered because I’m happy with my new life God gave me. I am blessed and happy. My family started coming back to me and they were getting closer to me. My friends (school friends) also were happy and coming to me. It is easier to get a job. I thank God for my late grandmother and my aunty (dad’s side) who potentially raised me up with love. They had God’s love in them especially my grandmother who took care of me when my parents was in the midst of unforeseen circumstances in marriage life. If it wasn’t for them I won’t know who my Saviour is and I am what God made me to be now. Without them, I won’t know how to search for God or had the thirst and hunger for Him. They raised me up even I had fallen to be disciplined in life and to know how to pray and seek God. They protected me and saved me from the fall when I was little. They never gave up especially my aunty who spent her time and working days to support and fend me. God is great in many ways He gave me a loving family who loved me without fail. I really thank God for them.

As you go through my story of my changes, sit back and think how God is important in your life. How He loves you so much He doesn’t want you to fall. You may go through struggles in life but He is there to guide you, to protect you and to be with you in your daily life. His Son died on the cross for us. For our sins He shed His blood so that we are saved. My healing of my transformation is only the beginning. He said in Isaiah 53:5 “But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities the chastisement of our peace was upon Him and with His stripes we are healed” and also in 1 Peter 2:24 “Who His own self bare our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness by whose stripes you were healed.” And why should I doubt His works on me? I know He loves me and He heals me daily. Yes, science may say that because I stopped injecting Testosterone, the substance is worn off in my body. My voice is changing back to normal because I stopped. But for me, I believe that my Lord Jesus Christ healed me for His name is greater than any other name whom by His blood and stripes I’m healed.

My story may disturb many of you who are reading especially the Transgender and Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual community but I believe that my Lord Jesus can touch your heart and you will realize how much He loves you. For those who are lost, turn to Him for He is always there to answer your prayers. Speak to Him like how you would to your Father for He is your Father in heaven because He said in Hebrews 13:5 “Let your conversation be without covetousness and be content with such things as you have: for He hath said I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Don’t take the step of turning your life into danger but stand up and say I’m a conqueror and I have overcome all obstacles in 1 John 4:4 “You are of God, little children and have overcome them because greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world.”

My advice to those who think God made a wrong decision in your life and created you in the wrong body or image, God didn’t do that. He made you perfectly well. Turn back to Him before it is too late. Seek Him for He is waiting for you. Don’t just because you hated boys or girls or couldn’t get along with boys or girls you decided to change your gender. There are many good boys/girls out there for you but you need to find Mr/Mrs.Right. I’m still asking God to give me one. He is your friend, He is is your comfort. Seek Him and you will find peace and joy. Jesus heals, He saves, He loves you, He cares for you, He knows everything in your life. Don’t fall. Rise up.

Thank you again for supporting me through out my transformation. And again I give Glory, Honour, Praise and Thanksgiving to God for changing my life For He is the Almighty and Living God. He is the King of my life. Amen.

Here are my last thoughts :

Ephesians 2:8-10
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He has planned for us long ago.

This story was submitted from MY VOICE / MY STORY form on Voice of the Voiceless (

My Story – Derek Paul

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Derek Paul’s Testimony

Derek Paul, Executive Director, Identify Ministries
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Ministry URL:
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Experiences: Formerly Identified as Gay, Disciple of Jesus, Healing through Jesus

First, I want to thank Jesus for meeting me where I was at and liberating me from the torment of my mind, identity and lifestyle and giving me the chance to serve him on this earth.

My name is Derek Paul and I am the Executive Director of Identify Ministries in Gainesville, Florida. We have been around for 4 years and our goal is to reach the homosexual with freedom through Jesus Christ through flagging, testimony and discipleship. As with many who form ministries of this nature, I have had same sex attraction from a young age…but in my world, you just couldn’t talk about things like this and I felt alone.

You see, I was raised in a pastor’s family with a strong church community; nevertheless, I developed same sex attraction from the age of 3 or 4 years old. Never breaking away from Mom and my older sisters and deciding to reject my Dad at a young age held dire consequences. From this young age, I found myself fantasizing about being held by an older man to protect and care for me and this became sexualized. Nightly, I would comfort myself to sleep by thinking in this way.

Even though I was from a religious family, I was never told about homosexuality until 4th or 5th grade, but instinctively I knew that this was not normal. Even as a child I recognized that only a mom and dad were together and had kids. And because of the high esteem I felt my family had to maintain, and the ridicule that could come to them, I decided to keep it hidden, never knowing homosexuality was an actual “thing”.

At 8 years old a miracle happened. Some evangelists came to our church for a revival. On the last night I felt the pull of the Lord to give this area of my thoughts to him following a statement by the evangelist where he said, “if you have something that no one can help you with but God, then come down and give it to him and let him in your heart.” That’s all I needed to hear because that night I couldn’t get there fast enough and had a supernatural experience with God through the Holy Spirit.

From that night on, I didn’t need to console myself through same sex fantasy, but through the next few years realized that something was still terribly wrong. I was still getting called names like girl, fag it, queer, and being physically harassed by my male peers. I had developed feminine mannerisms and vocal patterns that made my early internal turmoil public and plagued me daily. I felt unbearable shame and humiliation because I couldn’t change the way I sounded or my mannerisms enough to feel accepted. And this further ostracized me from my male peers and exponentially fueled the resurgence of same sex attraction.

By this point, I had heard bible verses of how homosexuality was a sin and at first thought I could change it, only to find that I couldn’t change these deep seated desires. You see when a God given need for same sex validation goes unmet, it doesn’t go away, it morphs into a way that can be more easily met. The world of boys was foreign, rough, and isolating for this sensitive, passive, and artistic boy. It was so much easier to fit in with the girls who were less physical, more sensitive, and aesthetic about the world. I understood them…for awhile.

I naturally found my place in the worlds of theater and competitive cheerleading. This isolated me from the masculine world and solidified my own feelings and interests. These genre’s aren’t bad, but as one can image, I was surrounded by more guys like me there, who through the years would come out of the closet one by one through my adolescence. At the same time, girls began to say things like, “yeah you can stay over, your not like the rest of guys.” I was flattered and yet felt judged as not good enough for romantic relationship. I felt like a third gender.

girls began to say things like, “yeah you can stay over, your not like the rest of guys.” I was flattered and yet felt judged as not good enough for romantic relationship. I felt like a third gender.

I was riding the fence, Christian and PK at home and at church, then struggling cheerleader and actor during daytime hours. This was mentally agonizing. Watching my friends come out was initially freeing. Then as the lifestyle set in, it was terrorizing. My friends’ personalities seemed to change quickly, they became depressed, materialistic, an catty. They stopped looking me in the eyes and were either looking at my body inappropriately or looking over my shoulder at the next guy. My heart broke as my dear friends contracted diseases and would isolate from their families and the church.

Even though I didn’t feel like it was in my nature to please God, I knew from experience that a life without him was not possible. I felt torn, old inside, a stranger, and like everyone seemed to know who I was, but me.

Eventually, I came to a breaking point. I had decided to leave the heterosexual world and go into the lifestyle. This meant I had to change colleges, reject my family and friends and move away because the mental struggle had become unbearable. I was still a virgin, but was done with it.

Then God happened. I began a friendship with a young woman at my church who had met God in a very real way. She had her own testimony of Daddy issues, possible pregnancy out of wedlock, and an inner healing that resulted from letting God into her mess. She demonstrated an unconditional love so different from cleaned up church people that I knew all my life. Little did I know that God had orchestrated this relationship and a totally different vision for my life would come as he determined it.

Well, our relationship became romantic, which was foreign to me, and we got married before I experienced any healing with was very hard. As many gays will tell you, marriage to an OSA partner doesn’t fix anything, sometimes it even exacerbates it. But, let me tell you, if you stick with God, He does change things. Based on my own experience with ex-gays, yes that’s a thing; Some of us just don’t stay with him long enough or believe what people tell us over what he says by His Spirit and his Word. Everyone whose best friend is Jesus becomes more like him. Your language changes, friends change, thoughts change, you become a new creature. Over time, I got help and healing through strong relational Christians, mentors, support groups, and the world of men. Gradually I saw that my view on the world had been twisted from a young age and I needed God to bring about drastic changes as only he could. I needed to grieve, connect with him, and connect with people the way He designed it.

The bible says:

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! -2 Cor. 5:17 NIV

If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. –John 15:7 NIV

When I was meeting with the best man from my wedding, we came across this verse:

1 Cor. 6:9-11. “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers with inherit the kingdom of God. And this is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.”

This was the first time I ever heard that the church was made of homosexuals that gave up their previous lifestyle for Jesus.

So while the narrative that “change never happens” is on TV and socially accepted as truth, change still exists for me and others because change and miracles are God’s specialty. Over the years, I developed stronger physical attraction for my wife than I have had for any man, I have found freedom for my identity as a child of God and peace for my mind. I have a growing family with three incredibly happy children that teach me daily how much God loves me, and now a ministry where I get to talk to people who are struggling with their sexuality and some who aren’t, but the Holy Spirit helps me to give each one something to bring more peace and freedom to them in a broken world needing redemption. While there are some who find similar healing without finding Jesus, Only He is the way, the truth and the life…and if you want those, you’ve got to repent and surrender OR there will always be something in the way of the freedom and peace you want.

I want to challenge you with the scripture.

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is, His good, pleasing and perfect will.”

And remind you that His ways are not our ways, or His thoughts, our thoughts. If your nature won’t let you into heaven, you can be born again by His Spirit and become something completely new. Then, heaven won’t be some foreign place, it will be your eternal destiny and home.

This story was submitted from MY VOICE / MY STORY form on Voice of the Voiceless (